We often talk about sexual attraction as if it’s a universal, factory-set instinct. The common narrative, what we call the allonormative perspective, suggests that attraction is a simple "spark" triggered by seeing someone who fits a specific physical or gendered mould.

But if we peel back the layers and look through neurodivergent, queer and neuroqueer lenses, we realise that attraction isn't just a biological pulse. It is a complex interplay of sensory processing, emotional safety, and personal identity.

Moving Beyond the Binary

Traditional views on sexual attraction are often anchored in a rigid gender binary. In neurodivergent and queer spaces, we’ve long known that the "who" of attraction is far more fluid. It isn't just about men or women; it's about a million other things, including the energy, the presentation, and the vibe, the voice, and the sass and the soul of a person.

However, even within the LGBTQIA+ community, we sometimes fall into the trap of over-prioritising physical "types". When we broaden our perspective, we find that attraction can be:

• Intellectual (Sapiosexual): A magnetic pull toward the way someone thinks or solves problems.
• Emotional (Demisexual): A desire that only ignites once a profound, safe bond is established.
• Aesthetic: Appreciating someone’s beauty without necessarily wanting to engage sexually.

Neuroqueering Attraction

If you don’t know this delicious term already, let me introduce you to the word neuroqueer. It describes the fluid and complex intersection of being both neurodivergent and queer. It’s a portmanteau word that describes the intersection where one’s neurological style and one’s queerness are so deeply entwined that they cannot be separated. It goes beyond a descriptor, and is an invitation to engage with a radical praxis where these two states of being do not merely coexist, but actively transform one another.

Coined in 2008 by Nick Walker and Athena Lynn Michaels-Paez, and further theorised within the academic works of Remi Yergeau, the term was born from a desire to move away from the pathologisation of both gender and neurotype.

Neuroqueer functions as both a noun (an identity e.g. I’m neuroqueer) and a verb (neuroqueering). I’m curious, if this word speaks to you, do you personally experience it more as something you are or something you do? As with queer theory, neuroqueer is intentionally subversive of neuronormative and heteronormative hegemonies. Using less academic language, we could say that it challenges and rejects the social chore of the "performance" of being "normal" or "straight". Even if you don’t like the word itself, the concept of neuroqueer signifies an extraordinary liberated space where your sensory world and sexual expression are allowed to be fluid, idiosyncratic, and entirely uncoupled from the rigid "social scripts" typically imposed by a neurotypical, cis-normative society. Personally, that feels pretty damn liberating.

The Neuroqueer Perspective

For many neurodivergent adults, the "standard" social rituals of attraction often feel like a foreign language. When your brain is wired differently, your "turn-ons" often follow suit:

• Sensory Synchronicity: For a neurodivergent person, attraction might be less about a "pretty face" and more about the way someone’s voice feels (auditory processing) or the specific way they move. Conversely, sensory hypersensitivity can mean that certain "typical" sexual behaviours are actually a turn-off because they are physically overwhelming.
• The Shared Interest Spark: In neurodivergent communities, "infodumping" or sharing a deep passion is often an act of intimacy. Finding someone who speaks your "special interest" language can create a pull more powerful than any physical attribute.
• Rejecting the "Performance": Neuroqueer attraction often bypasses masking and performing traditional gender roles. If you don't naturally perform "masculinity" or "femininity" in the way society expects, you tend to be attracted to others who also exist outside those performance boundaries.

The Importance of the Ace & Aro Spectrum

If neuroqueering is about uncoupling from social scripts, nowhere is this more evident than on the asexual (ace) and aromantic (aro) spectrums, where the 'allonormative' script is fundamentally redesigned. For those of us queer individuals who are, or sometimes feel, on the ace or aro spectrums, the sensation of sexual attraction often requires a radical departure from the allonormative script. The standard societal assumption that everyone experiences a unified "pull" toward sex and romance, and that this is typically gendered, just doesn’t feel relevant or helpful. However, an ace or aro person might experience sensual attraction, such as craving someone’s voice or smell, without that spilling over into sexual desire.

Before we go any further, let me remind or introduce you to some key concepts beautifully covered in “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality” (Brown 2022). Despite the social pressure to make one’s sexuality more socially palatable or tolerable to allosexuals, you don’t owe anyone a sexualised version of you. Let me reassure you that you don’t have to be fuckable or sexually available to be loved or to experience the level of physical intimacy you crave. Your sexuality is complete and self-contained, and is not defined by something missing. Especially for BIPOC, disabled, and people from other, often overlapping minoritised communities, whose bodies have historically been either hyper-sexualised or dehumanised, refusing sexual attraction is a radical act of reclaiming one's humanity.

Chen (2020) offers a particularly useful approach because she argues that the "merging" of attraction types is a cultural construct, much like gender. This merging is seen as a compulsory part of sexuality, which not only tends to feel deeply alienating to ace and aro folks, it also feels so narrow and restrictive to all neuroqueers.

Within a neuroqueer framework, this experience is frequently defined by the “Split Attraction Model”. This community-generated model separates aesthetic, sensual, and platonic draws as distinct, partitioned categories rather than a single, blurred urge. By uncoupling these feelings, ace and aro folks can move away from the pressure to perform socially-acceptable desire narratives and instead focus on an idiosyncratic menu of intimacy that prioritises their specific sensory comfort and emotional boundaries over traditional lust narratives.

Conclusion: Your Attraction, Your Terms

Sexual attraction, and therefore sexual identity, isn't a "one size fits all" experience. It’s a tapestry. For some, it’s a lightning bolt; for others, it’s a slow-growing warmth. For many neuroqueer individuals, it’s a sensory-seeking journey or an intellectual meeting of minds.

By de-centring the neurotypical, heteronormative "standard," we allow ourselves the freedom to define attraction on our own terms. Whether you feel it intensely, rarely, or not at all, your experience is a valid part of the human spectrum.

If this is something you'd like to explore for yourself, either alone or in your relationship, why not book in a free initial consultation? 

Tiga-Rose Nercessian (she/her), PhD Sex & Relationship Psychotherapist (UKCP, NCPS, COSRT Accredited) | Founder of Intimata | Specialising in Relationship Intelligence & Enhancement and Neurodivergent Intimacy.