CONTENT WARNING: please don’t read this if you’re not in a good state of mind. Truly, stop now and take care of yourself. Read it later, or never. This is especially true if you are autistic.

This article discusses challenging topics including self-harm and death by suicide.

Do autistic people feel like they belong?

Very, very few autistic people make it to adulthood feeling like they authentically belong – either to themselves or someone or something else. Many have learned to "fit in", to mask their true self, which, in many ways, is the exact opposite of belonging.

“Fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging”, to quote Brené Brown, as it requires the person to assess a situation and become who they need to be in order to be accepted. Fitting in involves abandoning oneself, which does the opposite of creating a sense of true belonging.

Sounds like autistic masking, doesn’t it? Masking or camouflaging means to hide or disguise parts of oneself in order to better fit in. Although everyone does it to some degree, the consequences for autistic people are a lot more serious and damaging. Research suggests that autistic people can end up masking the very behaviours we need to soothe ourselves, such as stimming, leaving us with fewer options to care for ourselves.

What are the consequences of not belonging?

CONTENT WARNING: This section discusses self-harm and death by suicide.

Unfortunately, the consequences of not belonging are especially dire for autistic people. If you do not want to read the heartbreaking statistics around self-harm and suicide, please stop reading or skip this section and the next one.

An estimated 50% of autistic people self-harm at some point in their life, with higher rates among women than men. People with alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions) are more likely to use it as a way of dealing with intense feelings or distress, trying to feel in control, or as a form of self-punishment.

We do not yet fully understand the link between autism and self-harm as a distress response. However, research suggests that autistic people with lower regulation skills and lower social flexibility skills are far more likely to engage in self-harm.

In England, autistic individuals make up approximately 1% of the population but 11% of suicides. In the UK, suicide is the second leading cause of death for autistic people. Autistic people with no learning disability are nine times more likely to die by suicide than the general population.

Research suggests the two key contributing factors to death by suicide among autistic people are thwarted belongingness (feeling a sense of not belonging) and perceived burdensomeness.

What about autistic intimate relationships?

Reading this, you might think that all this would change if only autistic people could have happy romantic relationships in which they felt like they belonged and did not feel burdensome.

Multiple studies show there are many barriers to neurodivergent adults having healthy intimate relationships. For example, autistic people are often perceived by neurotypicals as less ‘likeable’ or more ‘awkward’, making the initial dating process significantly harder.

Although autistic adults are as interested in romantic relationships as neurotypical adults, studies document that they have fewer opportunities to meet partners and have shorter relationships. Interestingly, research shows that having fewer autistic "symptoms" does not seem to increase either the quality or duration of these relationships.

Things do not necessarily get easier once in a relationship. One study found autistic men were substantially less satisfied with their current relationship and sex life than their neurotypical peers.

In summary, getting into, and being in, an intimate romantic relationship is often harder for autistic people. These relationships are typically less satisfying and often do not allay the deep-seated fears of being burdensome, which, in turn, can lead to poor mental health outcomes.

I'm autistic and reading this has hit me hard.

If reading this confirms something you’ve been feeling for a long time, that’s okay. Take a moment, take a deep breath, and do something to comfort yourself.

I want you to know that you are not alone. Whatever happened in the past that made you believe you do not belong must have been painful, and I am truly sorry it happened to you. It was not your fault. Things can be different now. Even if we have never met, I care about you.

I encourage you to reach out to someone who feels safe. If you do not have someone in your life you can trust, please try a helpline or drop me an email.

This is so damn bleak, why are you sharing this?

There are three main reasons I share this information:

1. Challenging Stigma
   We have so much shame around mental health and self-harm. Not talking about it does not stop it from happening. We need brave, uncomfortable conversations to normalise these topics.
2. Education & Raising Awareness
   When I train therapists about working with neurodivergent clients, they are often shocked by these statistics. It gives them a vital new perspective.
3. Confronting Shame
   Personally, reading the research was actually comforting. Suddenly, my struggles had a meaningful context (and autistic people love context!). It validated my pain and encouraged me to reframe my suffering so I could begin unmasking and healing.

Who are you to talk about autism and belonging anyway?

I am a psychotherapist and I am also an autistic person. Part of the reason I trained as a sex and relationship therapist was to help me navigate my own achingly brutal and lonely unmasking process. My professional knowledge makes me a specialist, but my lived experience drives me to be vulnerable and share this content.

Put simply, this matters deeply to me. I am committed to finding better ways to help autistic people feel they truly belong and have happier, healthier intimate relationships.