What Exactly Is a Meltdown?

At its core, a meltdown is an intense, involuntary response to feeling completely overwhelmed (Mazlish, 2021). It's crucial to distinguish a meltdown from a temper tantrum. While tantrums are often goal-oriented and imply a degree of conscious control, a meltdown signifies a temporary loss of behavioural and emotional control (Autism Speaks). This loss typically stems from an overload of stress, sensory input, emotional distress, or a combination of these factors (National Autistic Society).

Think of it as the brain's "circuit breaker" tripping. The prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain responsible for executive functions like emotional regulation and impulse control, becomes overwhelmed and temporarily goes "offline" (Price, 2022). In its absence, the body can panic, triggering more primitive responses often recognised as trauma reactions: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Who Experiences Meltdowns?

While often associated with neurodivergent individuals, such as those of us who are autistic or have ADHD, or both! - anyone can experience a meltdown. Adult meltdowns can occur when anyone faces extreme stress. However, they are more likely in people with sensory processing sensitivities (Kranowitz, 2005), anxiety disorders, depression, or those who have experienced trauma, given their heightened sensitivity to various inputs.

The Complexity of Triggers: A Look at Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy provides a potent example of how numerous "circuits" can run simultaneously, potentially leading to overload. Consider the layers:

• Sensory Input: The touch from one's own body, a partner's body, or even a sex toy.
• Internal Sensations: Growing arousal and excitement create their own internal stimuli.
• Partner-Related Sensory Input: The proximity of another person brings their breath, skin temperature, moistness, and the pressure of their touch.
• Cognitive Processing: Deciphering words or sounds to understand a partner's pleasure or feedback.

These layers of processing are cumulative. Even if each input is pleasurable separately, or some are enjoyable together, they can accumulate to a point where they become uncomfortable, then painful, and finally unbearable. Frustratingly, it's often incredibly difficult to pinpoint the exact trigger, making it even harder to explain to a partner. The core experience of a meltdown, in any context, is being pushed beyond one's capacity to cope in that moment (Silberman, 2015).

External vs. Internal Meltdowns: Understanding the Expressions

Meltdowns can manifest in distinctly different ways, broadly categorised as external or internal (often called shutdowns). This distinction is frequently discussed within neurodivergent communities and by advocates (Hayden, 2019; Price, 2022).

External Meltdowns: The Outward "Explosion"

External meltdowns are characterised by outward, observable expressions of distress and a loss of control. The force feels like it emanates from the individual, directed outwards. Key aspects include:

• Verbal Expressions: This can range from yelling, screaming, and uncontrollable crying to making distressed noises, verbal aggression (which may or may not be targeted), and an inability to speak coherently.
• Physical Manifestations: Actions might involve throwing objects, hitting or kicking (sometimes self-injurious, directed at objects, or rarely, others), pacing, storming off, or visible shaking.
• Observable Emotional Displays: Intense internal emotions like anger, fear, frustration, or distress may be visibly apparent.
• Impact on Others: Due to their nature, external meltdowns are often more disruptive and noticeable, potentially causing alarm or confusion.
• Internal Emotional State: The individual typically feels overwhelmed, out of control, agitated, like a volcano erupting, with an intense urge to escape the situation or causative stimulus.

Internal Meltdowns (Shutdowns): The Inward "Implosion"

In contrast, internal meltdowns, or shutdowns, are less outwardly apparent. They involve the individual "shutting down" or withdrawing as a response to being overwhelmed (Price, 2022). Using the circuit-breaker analogy, the power goes out. Key aspects include:

• Verbal Expressions: This can manifest as becoming non-verbal or selectively mute (unable to speak despite wanting to), speaking in a very quiet or flat tone (flat affect), or only managing minimal, one-word responses.
• Physical Manifestations: The person might appear "frozen" or "zoned out," exhibit reduced movement or lethargy, retreat to a quiet or dark space, or curl up. They might experience a "blank mind" or an inability to process information, muscle tension without overt action, or engage in doomscrolling. Any movements might be subtle self-soothing behaviours like rocking or discrete stimming/fidgeting (National Autistic Society, n.d.).
• Observable Emotional Displays: While intense emotions (extreme anxiety, fear, numbness, shame) are felt internally, they are often not expressed outwardly. The person might appear emotionless, disconnected, or numb.
• Impact on Others: Shutdowns can be easily missed or misinterpreted as disinterest, rudeness, sulking, or unresponsiveness, if noticed at all.
• Internal Emotional State: Feelings of paralysis, numbness, emptiness, or being trapped inside oneself are common, alongside an intense need for solitude and a cessation of all stimuli, coupled with overwhelming exhaustion.

Shutdowns also tend to carry a high cognitive load. It becomes difficult to think clearly, process information, make decisions, or respond to questions. The individual might experience depersonalization (feeling detached from oneself) or derealisation (feeling like their surroundings aren't real) (Simeon & Abugel, 2006, on depersonalisation generally, though often co-occurring with high stress/trauma states relevant to meltdowns).

Learned Responses

It's worth noting that many individuals learn from an early age which form of meltdown expression is more "acceptable" to those around them. Depending on family dynamics, cultural background, and socialisation, one form (external or internal) may have been met with less negative reinforcement from caregivers than the other, shaping how overwhelm is expressed later in life.

You're Not Alone

If you recognise yourself in any part of this article, whether you experience meltdowns, support someone who does, or are simply trying to make sense of emotional overwhelm, know that you are not alone, and you are not broken. Understanding your responses is a powerful act of care, and it can open the door to greater self-compassion and connection.

If you’d like support in exploring these experiences further, you're welcome to book an initial consultation. This is a gentle, no-pressure space to talk through what’s going on for you and explore whether working together could be helpful.

Understanding the multifaceted nature of meltdowns - their triggers, expressions, and the internal experience - is a step towards greater empathy, better support strategies, and self-compassion.