"I need everything to be ritualistically identical all the time, until I’m bored and then I need things to be wildly unpredictable and novel, until I’m overwhelmed, and then I need everything to be ritualistically identical all the time…"

For us neurodivergent folk, it can be confusing and hard work to work out how we want to be touched and what kind of physical intimacy we're in the mood for. And who wants sex to be confusing and hard work?! We experience the world and relationships, including intimacy and sex, through our own unique lens, often longing for what seem like opposite experiences simultaneously.

This interplay between a desire for novelty and a need for ritual or routine is a significant aspect of our neurodivergent sexuality and deserves to be discussed. Don't worry, there are lots of online resources and books available to help us.

The Role of Ritual and Routine (Typically More Autistic)

• Comfort and Predictability: For many neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with autism, routines and rituals provide a crucial sense of safety, predictability, and comfort in a world that can often feel overwhelming or chaotic. This preference for sameness can reduce anxiety and sensory overload.
• Managing Sensory Sensitivities: Intimacy and sex involve a multitude of sensory inputs (touch, smell, sound, sight, taste). Rituals can help manage these by creating a predictable and controlled sensory environment. This might involve specific lighting, textures, scents, or a sequence of actions that feel safe and pleasurable.
• Reducing Executive Function Demand: Routines can lessen the mental load associated with planning and decision-making, which can be challenging for some neurodivergent individuals. Knowing what to expect can free up mental energy to focus on connection and pleasure.
• Potential Challenges: While comforting, a rigid adherence to routine in intimacy could be perceived by a partner as lacking spontaneity or emotional responsiveness. If a routine becomes too inflexible, it might also limit the exploration of new forms of pleasure. Open communication about the why behind the routine is crucial.

The Drive for Novelty (Typically More ADHD)

• Dopamine Seeking: Individuals with ADHD often have differences in their dopamine systems, leading to a drive for novelty and new experiences that provide a "dopamine rush." In the context of intimacy and sex, this can manifest as a desire for variety, experimentation, and excitement. This can be further complicated by the side effects of some ADHD medication.
• Combating Boredom: Repetitive sexual encounters without variation can lead to boredom and a decline in interest, particularly for those with ADHD. Novelty can keep things engaging and stimulating.
• Hyperfocus and Intense Interests: New partners or new sexual experiences can sometimes become a temporary hyperfocus for neurodivergent individuals, leading to intense initial passion and exploration.
• Potential Challenges: The constant need for novelty can sometimes be challenging for maintaining long-term sexual satisfaction with a single partner if not managed with understanding and communication. It can also create a conflict for individuals who are both autistic and have ADHD (AuDHD), as the desire for novelty might clash with the need for routine, causing internal friction and anxiety.

The Interplay in Intimacy and Sex

• Finding a Balance: For many neurodivergent individuals, the ideal might not be strictly novelty or ritual, but a balance that incorporates both. This could mean having a generally predictable framework for intimacy that still allows for variations and new elements to be introduced in a comfortable way.
• Sensory Preferences are Key: Regardless of novelty or ritual, sensory sensitivities play a massive role. Certain touches, pressures, sounds, or smells might be either highly arousing or extremely aversive. Understanding and communicating these is paramount.
• Communication is Crucial: Open, honest, and explicit communication about needs, desires, boundaries, and sensory preferences is vital for all couples. This includes discussing how much routine provides comfort versus how much novelty is desired. Because non-verbal cues might be missed, verbal affirmation and clear consent are essential.
• Impact of Co-occurring Conditions: The specific manifestation of novelty-seeking versus preference for routine can vary greatly depending on the individual's specific neurodivergence (e.g., ASD, ADHD, AuDHD) and any co-occurring conditions like anxiety or trauma. Tourette's, synaesthesia, aphantasia, and hyperphantasia can all influence someone's need for novelty and ritual.
• Alexithymia: Difficulty identifying or describing one's own emotions can impact the ability to communicate needs within an intimate context, making both routine and novelty potentially complex to navigate without explicit discussion.
• Masking and Authenticity: Some neurodivergent individuals may have a history of "masking." In intimacy, unmasking and being authentic about one's needs regarding routine or novelty is crucial for genuine connection and satisfaction.

Please don't be disheartened! It might feel like these drives for novelty and ritual are diametrically opposite and impossible to meet. Let me reassure you, there are plenty of ways to enjoy physical intimacy as a neurodivergent person. With the right support, these differences can become parallel strengths and qualities in your relationship.