We all crave connection, understanding, and emotional intimacy in our romantic partnerships. But what happens when one partner struggles to recognise, understand, or articulate their own emotions – or those of others? This is the reality for individuals with alexithymia, a personality trait that can cast a significant, often unspoken, shadow over intimate relationships.

What Exactly is Alexithymia?

While about 5-10% of the general population is estimated to have alexithymia, studies show that approximately 50-80% of autistic individuals also have alexithymia. Literally meaning "no words for emotions," it is not a mental disorder but rather a trait first described by Sifneos in the 1970s.

Alexithymia is broadly characterised by five key traits:

1. Difficulty Identifying Feelings: Individuals may feel an internal stirring but be unable to pinpoint whether it is anger, sadness, joy, or even a physical sensation like hunger or tiredness.
2. Difficulty Describing Feelings (DDF): Even if an emotion is vaguely recognised, putting it into words for others (or even for themselves) can be a profound challenge.
3. Externally Oriented Thinking (EOT): A tendency to focus on external events and facts rather than inner emotional experiences.
4. Limited Imagination: Some individuals may have a less developed inner world of fantasy and daydreaming.
5. Trouble Recognising Emotions in Others: Missing subtle (or even overt) emotional cues like facial expressions or tone of voice, leading to deficits in cognitive empathy.

5 Ways Alexithymia Can Impact Relationships

Research consistently suggests that alexithymia is linked to lower relationship satisfaction for both the individual and their partner. Here is how that often manifests:

• 1. Erosion of Emotional Intimacy: Intimacy thrives on shared vulnerability. For the partner of someone with alexithymia, attempts to connect can feel like "hitting a wall." Meeting a deep disclosure with a detached, logical response can lead to profound feelings of loneliness in the non-alexithymic partner.
• 2. Communication Breakdowns: When one partner cannot articulate their emotional needs or comprehend the subtext of their partner's words, misunderstandings are inevitable. The alexithymic individual may feel overwhelmed by emotional demands they simply do not know how to meet.
• 3. Misinterpretations and Conflict: A "flat affect" or silence can be misinterpreted as indifference or anger, even when that is not the internal reality. This often leads to a cycle of frustration where the emotional core of the issue remains unaddressed.
• 4. Feeling Unloved or Unsupported: While individuals with alexithymia feel deep love, they may express it through practical actions (fixing things, financial support, reliability) rather than verbal affirmations. These practical gestures may not register as "emotional currency" for their partner.
• 5. Fear of Intimacy and Insecure Attachment: Processing and expressing emotions can make deep closeness feel threatening. This often leads to a "push-pull" dynamic or avoidant attachment styles.

Navigating the Path Forward

While alexithymia presents challenges, it doesn't doom a relationship. Awareness and effort from both partners can pave the way for greater connection.

• Self-Awareness: Learning about the trait is the first step. Tools like the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20) can offer insights.
• Develop an Emotional Vocabulary: Actively try to learn about emotions using tools like Feeling Wheels or working with a specialised therapist.
• Practise Noticing Bodily Sensations: Start to connect physical sensations (a tight chest, a fluttering stomach) with potential emotional states.
• Communicate Your Experience: Explain to your partner that you process and express emotions differently. This "meta-communication" helps reduce misinterpretation.

Further Reading

If this piece resonated with you, you might also appreciate some of our other articles exploring the nuances of neurodivergence and intimacy:

• Neurodivergent Dating: Gentle guidance for navigating dating when your brain works a little differently.
• Relationship OCD and Intrusive Thoughts: How to meet anxiety and doubt with compassion.
• Sex & Relationship Therapy for Neurodivergent Adults: How therapy can support you in building grounded, genuinely yours relationships.

Living with or loving someone with alexithymia is a journey of creatively adapted communication. With a willingness to understand each other’s unique ways of experiencing the world, couples can learn to navigate this unspoken hurdle and build a meaningful connection.