We all crave connection, understanding, and emotional intimacy in our romantic partnerships. But what happens when one partner struggles to recognise, understand, or articulate their own emotions – or those of others? This is the reality for individuals with alexithymia, a personality trait that can cast a significant, often unspoken, shadow over intimate relationships.

What Exactly is Alexithymia?

While about 5-10% of the general population is estimated to have alexithymia, studies show that approximately 50-80% of autistic individuals also have alexithymia. 

Alexithymia, literally meaning "no words for emotions," isn't a mental disorder in itself, but rather a trait first described by Sifneos in the 1970s. It is broadly characterised by 5 traits:

1. Difficulty Identifying Feelings: Individuals may feel an internal stirring but be unable to pinpoint whether it's anger, sadness, joy, or even a physical sensation like hunger.

2. Difficulty Describing Feelings (DDF): Even if an emotion is vaguely recognised, putting it into words for others (or even for themselves) can be a profound challenge.

3. Externally Oriented Thinking (EOT): There's a tendency to focus on external events and facts rather than inner emotional experiences.

4. Limited Imagination: Some individuals with alexithymia may also have a less developed inner world of fantasy and daydreaming (Taylor et al., 1997).

5 Trouble Recognising Emotions in Others: They may miss subtle (or even overt) emotional cues like facial expressions or tone of voice, leading to deficits in empathy (Goerlich, 2018).

It's crucial to understand that alexithymia exists on a spectrum. Some people may experience mild difficulties, while for others, it's a more pervasive challenge. This can then translate into having a minimal or substantial impact on intimate relationships. 

5 Ways Alexithymia Can Impact Relationships

Unfortunately, research consistently suggests that alexithymia is linked to lower relationship satisfaction for both the individual and their partner (Humphreys et al., 2009).

1. Erosion of Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy thrives on shared feelings, vulnerability, and empathetic understanding. For the partner of someone with alexithymia, attempts to connect on an emotional level can feel like hitting a wall. They might share their deepest feelings only to be met with a logical, detached response, or no discernible emotional reaction at all. This lack of emotional reciprocity can lead to profound feelings of loneliness, emotional deprivation, and a sense that they are not truly "seen" or understood by their partner.

2. Communication Breakdowns: Healthy relationships rely on effective communication, and a significant part of that is emotional expression. When one partner cannot articulate their own emotional needs or comprehend the emotional subtext of their partner's words, misunderstandings are inevitable. The non-alexithymic partner may feel ignored or that their feelings are being dismissed, while the alexithymic individual may feel confused or overwhelmed by emotional demands they don't know how to meet (Goerlich et al., 2018; Humphreys et al., 2009).

3. Misinterpretations and Conflict: A lack of expressed emotion can be easily misinterpreted. A partner's silence or flat affect might be perceived as indifference, anger, or disapproval, even when that's not the internal reality for the alexithymic individual. This can lead to a cycle of frustration, resentment, and escalating conflicts that are difficult to resolve because the emotional core of the issue remains unaddressed.

4. Feeling Unloved or Unsupported: While individuals with alexithymia can and do feel love and affection, their inability to express these feelings in conventional ways can leave their partners feeling unloved, unsupported, and unimportant. The non-alexithymic partner may long for verbal affirmations, empathetic gestures, or shared emotional experiences that their partner struggles to provide. Conversely, the alexithymic individual may show their care and love through practical actions – fixing things, providing financial support, or being a reliable presence – but these may not register as emotional currency for their partner.

5. Fear of Intimacy and Insecure Attachment: Research suggests a strong link between alexithymia, fear of intimacy, and insecure attachment styles (Wearden et al., 2005). The difficulty in processing and expressing emotions can make deep emotional closeness feel threatening or overwhelming, leading to avoidance or a push-pull dynamic in the relationship.

Navigating the Path Forward

While alexithymia presents undeniable challenges, it doesn't necessarily doom a relationship. Awareness and effort from both partners can pave the way for greater understanding and connection

Self-Awareness: Learning about alexithymia can be the first step. Tools like the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20) can offer insights, though professional assessment is valuable (Taylor et al., 1997).

• Develop an Emotional Vocabulary: Actively try to learn about emotions. This could involve reading, using feeling wheels, or working with a therapist.
• Practice Noticing Bodily Sensations: Start to connect physical sensations with potential emotional states.
• Communicate Your Experience: If comfortable, explain to your partner that you process and express emotions differently.
• Consider Professional Help: Therapy, particularly approaches that focus on emotional identification and regulation, can be beneficial.

Living with or loving someone with alexithymia can be challenging, but it's not an insurmountable obstacle. With increased awareness, open (albeit sometimes creatively adapted) communication, and a willingness to understand each other's unique ways of experiencing the world, couples can learn to navigate this unspoken hurdle and build a meaningful connection.

Further Reading

If this piece resonated with you, you might also appreciate some of our other articles exploring the nuances of neurodivergence, intimacy, and emotional connection. Neurodivergent Dating offers gentle guidance for navigating dating when your brain works a little differently. Relationship OCD and Intrusive Thoughts looks at how anxiety and doubt can show up in loving relationships — and how to meet those experiences with compassion. And Sex & Relationship Therapy for Neurodivergent Adults explores how therapy can support you in building the kinds of relationships and intimate lives that feel good, grounded, and genuinely yours.