Do you ever feel like you're talking, but your words are just floating past your partner? You're in the same room, but a wall of distraction - a phone, the TV, a wandering mind - stands between you. It is an all too common experience, but it doesn't have to be. True connection starts with the simple act of listening, and that is not as passive as it sounds.

Active listening is a skill we often work on in Relationship Therapy, which transforms conversation from a simple exchange of words into a powerful act of intimacy.

My free, instant access Active Listening Course will help you master this skill in under an hour.  

1. Acknowledge: Show You’re Tuned In

The first step is to simply show that you’re on the same wavelength. Acknowledging is about receiving the message and letting your partner know it has landed. This isn't about agreeing; it is about confirming receipt.

• Verbal cues: A simple "I hear you," "Go on," or "Mm-hm" can be incredibly powerful.
• Non-verbal cues: Make eye contact, nod your head, or lean in slightly. These small actions signal that you are truly engaged and not just waiting for your turn to speak.

This simple act of presence can make your partner feel seen, respected, and less alone in their thoughts.

2. Ask: Get Curious, Not Critical

Often, we assume we know what our partner means, but this leads to major misunderstandings. The goal here is to replace assumption with curiosity. Asking clarifying questions shows you are invested in understanding their perspective, not just your own.

Instead of a closed-ended question like, "Are you upset?", try an open-ended one that encourages more detail:

• "Can you tell me a bit more about how that made you feel?"
• "What do you mean by that?"
• "How did that impact your day?"

This approach fosters a sense of security and trust. The practice of curiosity is a core tenet of effective communication.

3. Affirm: Validate Their Feelings

This is arguably the most crucial of the 3 'A's. Affirming feelings means validating your partner's emotional experience, even if you do not agree with their viewpoint. It is about saying, "I can see why you feel that way," not "I agree you are right."

When your partner is upset, your natural instinct might be to "fix" the problem. But what they often need most is to have their feelings recognised. Use phrases like:

• "That sounds really frustrating."
• "It makes sense that you're feeling hurt."
• "I'd probably feel the same way in your shoes."

(Quick reminder: the time to bring up your own feelings is almost any time that feels safe, except immediately after your partner has shared theirs.)

Put It into Practise

Learning the 3 'A's of Active Listening is a bit like learning to ride a bike and it can feel really awkward at first. You might have to consciously remind yourself to pause, acknowledge, and ask questions. But with consistent practice, these actions will become second nature, and you will find that your conversations transform from simply co-existing to truly connecting.

So, the next time your partner starts to talk, put down your phone, turn off the TV, and try the 3 'A's. You might be surprised at what happens when you finally start to listen.

Access my free Active Listening course right now and master this crucial relationship skill in under an hour. By mastering the 3 'A's, you are not just hearing words; you are actively safeguarding your connection. Happy listening! 

Tiga-Rose Nercessian (she/her), PhD Sex & Relationship Psychotherapist (UKCP, NCPS, COSRT Accredited) | Founder of Intimata | Specialising in Relationship Intelligence & Enhancement and Neurodivergent Intimacy.