As a sex and relationship therapist, it hurts my heart to see so many couples trapped in the same painful loop: a fight over a misplaced mug or a misunderstood text becomes a battle for moral superiority. The conversation stops being about the issue and becomes solely about proving, "I am right, and you are wrong."

Why on earth do we cling so tightly to the need to be "right", even when the relationship is clearly losing and both partners are suffering? Because for many, "being right" offers a painful, yet necessary, psychological payoff: the justification of victimhood. Ouch. 

The Temporary Comfort of the High Ground 

When this kind of petty conflict escalates, the person fighting to be right is often not fighting for accuracy, they are fighting for vindication.

That intense, adrenalised feeling of "I am correct! My interpretation of your actions or the situation is the only true one!" gives us a temporary but powerful sense of psychological relief. It provides:

1. Justification: If I am right, then your actions must be wrong, negligent, or malicious. This justifies my pain and anger.

2. Safety from Self-Doubt: If I admit I might have misunderstood your tone, your intent, or the situation, I have to open the door to my own fallibility. Clinging to "rightness" is a shield against self-doubt.

3. Victim Status: If I am right and you are wrong, then I am the victim. This status temporarily absolves me of any responsibility for the resulting conflict, and it gives me permission to disengage or punish my partner.

This feeling—this sense of validated suffering—is a powerful, addictive dopamine hit. It feels like safety.

The Devastating Trade-Off: Pushing Love Away

The problem is that this temporary feeling of vindication comes at an enormous cost. Every moment spent fighting for the emotional high ground is a moment you sacrifice the very things you truly need and crave: connection, love, and intimacy.

When you choose justification over curiosity and collaboration, you are sending a clear, devastating message to your partner:

• "My need to be right is more important than your feelings."

• "I am more focused on winning this historical argument than on fixing our current state."

• "I am unwilling to be vulnerable and see the situation through your eyes."

This is the fastest way to trigger a partner's defensiveness, resentment, and withdrawal. The result? You might win the argument, but you lose the emotional safety of the connection. Short-term, you push your partner away and long-term you erode trust and undermine the relationship. And after all that, what are you left with? You have accrued further evidence of your victimhood, but are left feeling sad, disappointed if vindicated, and acutely alone.

Finding Freedom in "Letting Go"

The path out of this destructive cycle requires one difficult, foundational shift: accepting the possibility of misunderstanding, aka not being "right".

You absolutely don't have to agree that you were wrong (or even forgive them). You only need to accept that you might have misunderstood the situation, your partner's intent, or the full context. Put simply, you can chose to lean into fear or into love. Here are some tips to help you if you feel your partner always has to be right and work on conflict resolution. 

What does that mean in practice?

Fear's goal is to prove bad intent and that your partner is trying to hurt you.

Love's goal is to understand your partner's feelings and find a way to bridge the gap together.

Fear focuses on your partner's intent from a victim perspective, "You always forget to wash up" and you're intentionally choosing to do that to hurt me.

Love focuses on your partner's impact from a position of partnership, "When you forgot to wash up, I felt upset. Can you help me understand what happened?". The good intent is assumed, and there's a curiosity to investigate this behavioural anomaly.

Fear's outcomes are typically justification, vindication, loneliness, and distance.

Love's outcomes are typically vulnerability, connection, softness, and intimacy.

It's totally ok if some or all of this is new information to you. You don't need to blame yourself or feel guilty, but you can start integrating your learning into your relationships from now on.

When you choose to prioritise relational truth (the truth of how the conflict is impacting your connection) over historical fact (the exact sequence of events), you create the space for empathy, repair, and true intimacy. You trade the temporary, isolating comfort of being a justified victim for the enduring warmth of being a loved and connected partner.

The reward for letting go of "being right" is the intimacy you truly desire. Which do you choose to value more today?