We've all been there. A conversation with your partner escalates, an innocent comment turns into a full-blown row, or a gesture of love somehow lands completely flat. In the heat of the moment, one phrase almost always makes an appearance: "But I didn't mean it like that!"

It’s the universal cry of the well-intentioned, the bewildered, and the misunderstood. And while your intentions might have been pure as the driven snow, in the intricate dance of romantic relationships, intent is only half the story. The other, arguably more crucial, half is impact.

The Best Intentions: Paving the Road to Misunderstanding

In life, and especially in love, we generally assume goodwill from our partners. We assume they're not actively trying to hurt us, upset us, or make us feel rubbish. And for the most part, that's true! Most disagreements stem not from malice, but from a mismatch between:

• Your Intent (What you meant to communicate or achieve): This lives in your head. It's your motivation, your underlying thought, your purpose.

• Their Impact (How your words or actions were received and felt): This lives in their heart and mind. It's their emotional and psychological reaction.

The problem arises when we cling solely to our intent, believing it should magically negate any negative impact. "I was just trying to help!" we exclaim when our partner feels criticised. "I was only joking!" we protest when our teasing has stung. This applies to both words and actions, as behaviour is also a language.

Why the Disconnect Happens 

1. Different Interpretive Lenses: We each have our own unique history, past traumas, insecurities, and communication styles. A comment that seems neutral to you might trigger an old wound in your partner or feel like rejection.

2. Non-Verbal Cues (or Lack Thereof): Your tone of voice, facial expression, body language, or even the timing of your comment, can completely alter its perceived meaning. In text messages, emojis and punctuation try to fill this void, often imperfectly.

3. Stress and Fatigue: When we're tired, stressed, or preoccupied, our filters are down, and we're more likely to misinterpret neutral input as negative. Our partners are equally susceptible.

4. Implicit Assumptions: We often assume our partners understand our shorthand, our internal logic, or the unspoken context of our lives. They usually don't.

The Real Work: Prioritising Impact Over Intent

When your partner tells you that something you said or did upset them, the most loving and constructive response isn't to immediately defend your intent. While your intent is valid to you, their experience of your behaviour is valid to them. Intent tends to prioritise being right or wrong, as a value judgement, whereas impact prioritises the relationship. 

Instead of: "I didn't mean to make you feel stupid, I was just explaining!" (Focus on intent)

Try: "I'm sorry that what I said made you feel stupid. That wasn't my intention, but I can see how it came across that way, and I regret that I caused you to feel that." (Acknowledge impact first, then clarify intent if needed, but the apology is for the impact).

This shift does several vital things:

• Validates Their Feelings: It shows your partner that you hear them and that their emotional experience matters more than your need to be "right" about your intentions.

• Builds Trust: By being accountable, your partner learns that they can be vulnerable with you about how they feel without being immediately shut down or having their feelings dismissed.

• Opens Dialogue: Once their feelings are validated, they are much more open to hearing about your intentions and finding a way forward.

• Promotes Self-Awareness: It encourages you to reflect on how you communicate, not just what you mean to say.

Bridging the Gap

Recognising the intent vs. impact dynamic is the first step. Here's how to actively bridge that gap:

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond: When your partner expresses hurt, put your defensiveness aside. Ask open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?"

2. Assume Good Intent, but Address Bad Impact: You can believe your partner loves you and didn't mean to cause harm, while still addressing the impact of their actions. "I know you didn't mean to upset me, but when you said X, it made me feel Y."

3. Clarify, Don't Just Justify: If you need to explain your intentions, do so after acknowledging their feelings. "My intention was X, but I can see how my words (or tone) led to Y."

4. Ask for Feedback: Regularly check in with your partner. "Did that comment land okay?" or "How did you feel about X?"

In my work, it's really sad to see how many people don't realise how much happier they would be and how much healthier their relationship would be if they focused more on improving impact rather than defending intention. A shift in perspective from intent to impact can completely change the feeling of the relationship.

In the nuanced landscape of romantic love, it's not enough to simply mean well. We must also strive for our actions and words to be congruent and to land well. By focusing on impact as much as, if not more than, intent, we cultivate more trust and connection in safer, loving relationships.