We've all been there. A conversation with your partner escalates, an innocent comment turns into a full-blown row, or a gesture of love somehow lands completely flat. In the heat of the moment, one phrase almost always makes an appearance: "But I didn't mean it like that!"

It’s the universal cry of the well-intentioned, the bewildered, and the misunderstood. And while your intentions might have been pure as the driven snow, in the intricate dance of romantic relationships, intent is only half the story. The other, arguably more crucial, half is impact.

The Best Intentions: Paving the Road to Misunderstanding

In life, and especially in love, we generally assume goodwill from our partners. We assume they are not actively trying to hurt us. Most disagreements stem not from malice, but from a mismatch between:

• Your Intent (What you meant to achieve): This lives in your head. It is your motivation, your underlying thought, and your purpose.
• Their Impact (How your words were received): This lives in their heart and mind. It is their emotional and psychological reaction.

The problem arises when we cling solely to our intent, believing it should magically negate any negative impact. "I was only joking!" we protest when our teasing has stung. This applies to both words and actions, as behaviour is also a language.

Why the Disconnect Happens

1. Different Interpretive Lenses: We each have our own unique history and communication styles. A comment that seems neutral to you might trigger an old wound in your partner or feel like rejection.
2. Non-Verbal Cues: Your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language can completely alter a perceived meaning. In text messages, emojis and punctuation try to fill this void, often imperfectly.
3. Stress and Fatigue: When we are tired, our filters are down. We are more likely to misinterpret neutral input as negative.
4. Implicit Assumptions: We often assume our partners understand our internal logic or the unspoken context of our lives. They usually do not.

The Real Work: Prioritising Impact Over Intent

When your partner tells you that something you did upset them, the most loving response is not to immediately defend your intent. While your intent is valid to you, their experience is valid to them. Intent tends to prioritise being right, whereas impact prioritises the relationship.

Instead of: "I didn't mean to make you feel stupid, I was just explaining!" (Focus on intent)

Try: "I'm sorry that what I said made you feel stupid. That wasn't my intention, but I can see how it came across that way, and I regret that I caused you to feel that."

This shift does several vital things:

• Validates Their Feelings: It shows your partner that their emotional experience matters more than your need to be "right."
• Builds Trust: By being accountable, your partner learns they can be vulnerable without being shut down.
• Opens Dialogue: Once feelings are validated, partners are much more open to hearing about your actual intentions.

Bridging the Gap

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond: When your partner expresses hurt, put your defensiveness aside. Ask, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?"
2. Assume Good Intent, but Address Bad Impact: "I know you didn't mean to upset me, but when you said X, it made me feel Y."
3. Clarify, Don't Just Justify: Explain your intentions after acknowledging their feelings. "My intention was X, but I can see how my tone led to Y."
4. Ask for Feedback: Regularly check in. "Did that comment land okay?" or "How did you feel about that conversation?"

In my work, it is sad to see how many people don't realise how much happier they would be if they focused on improving impact rather than defending intention. A shift from intent to impact can completely change the feeling of the relationship.

In the nuanced landscape of romantic love, it is not enough to simply mean well. We must also strive for our actions and words to land well. By focusing on impact, we cultivate deeper trust and connection in safer, loving relationships.