We all react differently when we're hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Imagine a stressful moment – perhaps a misunderstanding with a partner, a challenging situation at work, or even just feeling unheard. What's your immediate, gut-level response? Do you feel a surge of anger, a desire to shut down, a need to take charge, or a rush to protect yourself? Or do you not really think about it?

Recognising our "default setting" when upset is a powerful act of self-awareness. It's the first step towards choosing a more constructive path and breaking free from patterns that might be damaging your relationships or your own well-being.

Here are five typical responses, how to recognise them in yourself, and some points it might be helpful to reflect on.

1. The Defensive Stance

When you feel criticised or misunderstood, your natural instinct might be to shield yourself. This is a common response rooted in our brain's protective mechanisms. You can read more about it in this article by Mind. 

• Typical Behaviours:

  • Blaming others: "It's not my fault, you always..." or "If you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have done Y."

  • Justifying actions: Providing lengthy explanations or excuses, even for minor issues.

  • Counter-attacking: Responding to a criticism with a criticism of your own.

• How to Recognise It In Yourself:

  • You feel a tightness in your chest or stomach when confronted.

  • Your mind immediately starts formulating arguments to prove your innocence.

  • You struggle to genuinely apologise or acknowledge your part in a problem.

• Alternatives to Reflect On:

  • Practise active listening: Before responding, truly hear what the other person is saying. Try to understand their perspective without immediately forming a rebuttal.

  • Pause before reacting: Give yourself a moment to breathe and observe your urge to defend. "I hear what you're saying. I need a moment to think about that."

  • Own your part (if any): Even if you don't agree with everything, acknowledge where you might have contributed. "I can see how my actions might have been perceived that way, and I'm sorry for that."

     

2. The Aggressive Outburst

Sometimes, feeling vulnerable or out of control can manifest as anger or aggression. This isn't always physical; it can be verbal, passive, or even internal. You can read more about symptoms of anger in this article and how to fight fair in this article. 

• Typical Behaviours:

  • Raising your voice, shouting, or using harsh, sarcastic language.

  • Pounding fists, throwing objects (even small ones), slamming doors.

  • Passive aggression: Giving the silent treatment or intentionally failing to do something expected.

• How to Recognise It In Yourself:

  • You feel a sudden rush of heat, tension, or a desire to lash out.

  • Your thoughts become focused on "winning" the argument or making the other person "pay."

  • You experience a loss of control over your words or actions.

  • Afterwards, you often feel regret or shame.

• Alternatives to Reflect On:

  • "Take a break" strategy: When you feel the anger escalating, physically remove yourself from the situation. "I'm feeling too angry to discuss this productively right now. Let's revisit this in an hour/tomorrow."

  • Identify the underlying emotion: Aggression is often a secondary emotion. What's underneath it? Is it fear, sadness, or frustration? The NHS offers guidance on understanding and managing anger.

  • Channel the energy: If you feel a physical urge, try a quick burst of intense physical activity (a brisk walk, push-ups) to release the energy safely.

3. The Controlling Grip

 When life feels chaotic or threatening, some people instinctively try to regain a sense of order by taking control, often of others or the situation. You can read more in this article in Psychology Today. 

• Typical Behaviours:

  • Micromanaging: Telling others exactly what to do and how to do it.

  • Giving unsolicited advice or solutions: Stepping in to "fix" things without being asked.

  • Demanding compliance: Insisting that things be done your way or that others agree with you.

• How to Recognise It In Yourself:

  • You feel anxious or uneasy when things aren't going "your" way.

  • You have a strong urge to direct, correct, or instruct others.

  • You struggle to delegate or trust others to handle things.

• Alternatives to Reflect On:

  • Focus on what you can control: Acknowledge that you can't control other people or every outcome. Shift your energy to your own responses and actions.

  • Practise asking for input: Instead of dictating, ask, "What are your thoughts on this?" or "How do you think we should handle this?"

  • Release the need for perfection: Understand that things don't have to be perfect to be good enough. This can be a key part of managing anxiety and control issues.

4. The Regressive Retreat

When overwhelmed, some individuals revert to earlier, less mature coping mechanisms. This isn't about physical age, but about emotional responses.

• Typical Behaviours:

  • Withdrawing completely: Shutting down, going silent, or physically leaving the room.

  • Procrastinating or avoiding tasks: Putting off responsibilities as a way to escape stress.

  • Excessive sleeping or engaging in escapist activities: Using food, sleep, or binge-watching as a numbing mechanism.

• How to Recognise It In Yourself:

  • You feel a strong urge to disappear, hide, or escape the situation entirely.

  • You experience a sense of helplessness or a desire for someone else to take care of you.

  • You struggle to articulate your feelings or needs to others.

• Alternatives to Reflect On:

  • Self-soothe healthily: Instead of escaping, engage in mindful self-soothing activities like deep breathing or meditation. The Mental Health Foundation has a wealth of information on different coping strategies.

  • Communicate your need for space: Instead of just withdrawing, say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself. Can we talk about this later?"

  • Break tasks into smaller steps: If overwhelm leads to procrastination, divide intimidating tasks into tiny, manageable chunks.

5. The Numbing Escape

 When we feel overwhelmed or hurt, our brains may instinctively seek to shut down the painful emotions entirely. This is a form of avoidance that uses external distractions to numb the internal experience.

• Typical Behaviours:

  • Excessive use of substances: Using alcohol, drugs, or even caffeine to alter your emotional state.

  • Compulsive behaviours: Overeating, binge-watching TV, or endlessly scrolling on social media.

  • Workaholism: Throwing yourself into work to avoid dealing with a difficult personal situation.

  • Spending excessively: Using shopping as a distraction from your feelings.

• How to Recognise It In Yourself:

  • You find yourself doing something to "check out" emotionally as soon as a difficult feeling arises.

  • You experience a feeling of emptiness or detachment after a stressful event.

  • You use a behaviour to avoid thinking about or feeling a specific emotion.

  • The temporary relief you get from the behaviour is often followed by guilt or shame.

• Alternatives to Reflect On:

  • Identify the emotion: Instead of immediately reaching for your "escape," stop and ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" Is it sadness, anger, fear, or loneliness? Just naming it can help.

  • Try mindful grounding: Focus on your five senses. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you feel? What do you taste? This can help bring you back to the present moment.

  • Seek healthy connection: Reach out to a friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Talking about your feelings can be a powerful antidote to numbing them.

Identifying your default behaviour isn't about judgment; it's about understanding. We all do one or more of these responses. Once you recognise your pattern, you gain the power to consider what aspects are a choice, and what you might be able to choose differently.

Next Steps for Reflection:

1. Observe without judgement: Pay attention to your reactions in the coming days. Which of these patterns resonates most strongly with you? When does it appear?

2. Identify triggers: What specific situations, words, or feelings tend to set off your default response?

3. Practise a chosen alternative: Start small. Pick one alternative from the list above that feels manageable and try to implement it the next time you feel triggered.

And if you recognise you need more help, consider using a helpline, talking to your doctor, or speaking with a counsellor.