Intimate relationships are a beautiful dance, but sometimes one partner seems to be dancing to a different, almost inaudible, tune. If you've ever felt perpetually frustrated, confused, and vaguely invalidated in your relationship, you might be dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour. This subtle yet destructive behaviour can be a silent saboteur, slowly eroding trust and intimacy, and making it really challenging to make positive, permanent changes in the relationship dynamic.

But how do you recognise it? And why does it make relationship therapy feel like an uphill battle? Let's dive in.

Seven Signs To Look Out For: Is Your Partner Passive-Aggressive?

Passive aggression isn't about outright confrontation; it's about indirect resistance and unexpressed hostility. This article also describes these behaviours, and this article helps you recognise them. Here are some common red flags to look out for:

1. The Master of Procrastination and "Forgetting": You ask them to do something, and they agree, but it never gets done. Or, they "forget" crucial dates, promises, or tasks that are important to you. This isn't just absent-mindedness; it's a way of exerting control and resistance without a direct "no."

2. Subtle Sabotage: Have you ever experienced situations where your partner "accidentally" ruins something you value, "forgets" to tell you important information, or "mistakenly" undermines your efforts? This can be a form of passive-aggressive payback or control.

3. The Unspoken Resentment (and the Silent Treatment): They may agree to something with a smile, but their body language tells a different story. You might notice sighs, eye rolls, or a general air of martyrdom. When confronted, they deny anything is wrong. The silent treatment is also a classic passive-aggressive tactic, punishing you with withdrawal instead of direct communication.

4. Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments: "Oh, that's an interesting outfit choice," or "You're so good at [task they clearly think you're bad at]," delivered with a sugary tone, are hallmarks of passive aggression. They deliver thinly veiled insults wrapped in pleasantries, leaving you wondering if you should be offended.

5. Victimhood and Blame-Shifting: A passive-aggressive partner often portrays themselves as the wronged party. They avoid taking responsibility for their actions, instead blaming circumstances, other people, or even you for their behaviour.

6. Chronic Tardiness or Indifference to Your Time: Consistently being late, especially when it inconveniences you or impacts plans you've made, can be a form of passive-aggressive disrespect. It's a way of subtly asserting control and showing a lack of consideration.

7. The "Fine" or "Nothing's Wrong" Gambit: When you ask what's bothering them, they'll often respond with "I'm fine," "Nothing's wrong," or "It's nothing," even when it's clear they're upset. This forces you to guess, probe, and ultimately frustrates you, while they maintain a position of plausible deniability.

This article frames passive-aggressive behaviours slightly differently and might be helpful to round out your understanding.  

Why These Behaviours Are Problematic In Relationship Therapy

Put simple, passive-aggressive behaviours are the best tools people have available to solve the relational problem they are facing in that moment. The challenge is how these tools impact the relationship therapy process. Here's why:

1. The Elusive Target: Passive aggression thrives in ambiguity. In therapy, when a direct question is posed, the passive-aggressive partner can easily deny, deflect, or claim ignorance. It's hard to work on something that's constantly being denied or minimised.

2. Lack of Accountability: For therapy to be effective, both partners need to take responsibility for their part in the relationship dynamic. A passive-aggressive partner often struggles with this, seeing themselves as a victim rather than an active participant in conflict. This explainer on responsibility vs accountability breaks down why that distinction really matters in therapy.

3. Resistance to Change: The very nature of passive aggression is resistance. Asking a passive-aggressive person to directly communicate their feelings or needs can feel threatening to them, as it forces them out of their comfort zone of indirect control. They may agree to therapy, but then subtly undermine the process.

4. Therapist Frustration: Even experienced therapists can find passive aggression challenging. The lack of direct communication, the evasiveness, and the subtle manipulations can make it difficult to get to the root of the issues and build a constructive dialogue.

5. The "Good Partner" Facade: In the therapy room, a passive-aggressive partner might present as agreeable, cooperative, and even charming, making it difficult for the therapist to see the full picture of their behaviour outside of sessions. This can leave the other partner feeling invalidated and unheard.

6. Unresolved Anger and Fear of Conflict: At its core, passive aggression often stems from unresolved anger and a deep-seated fear of direct conflict. They may believe that expressing anger directly will lead to abandonment or further pain. Until this underlying fear is addressed, genuine change is difficult. If that resonates, you might find these starting points for fighting fair a helpful place to begin. 

Am I the Passive-Aggressive Partner? A Moment of Self-Reflection

It's natural to focus on the behaviours of others, but true growth often begins with looking inward. Passive aggression isn't intentional malice; it's often a deeply ingrained coping mechanism fueled by negative past experiences in relationships. If you've read the above and found yourself wincing a little, you may want to take this Relate quiz. Here are some honest questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I struggle to say "no" directly? Do I often agree to things to avoid an argument or keep the peace, only to resent it later and avoid following through?

2. Do I express anger or frustration indirectly? Instead of saying what's bothering me, do I give the silent treatment, make sarcastic remarks, or "forget" to do things I've been asked?

3. Do I often feel resentful or misunderstood, but keep it to myself? Do I believe my partner should "just know" what I need or want, without me having to say it?

4. Do I tend to shift blame or play the victim when things go wrong? Is it often "their fault," or the "circumstances," rather than taking responsibility for my own actions or inaction?

5. Do I find myself frequently "forgetting" tasks or being chronically late, especially for things I'm not keen on doing?

6.  Am I uncomfortable with direct conflict? Do I worry that expressing my true feelings will lead to an explosive argument, or that my partner will leave me?

7. Do I feel a sense of power or control when I subtly resist or frustrate my partner, even if I feel guilty about it afterwards?

If any of these resonate, it's a sign not of being a "bad person," but of having developed patterns of communication and behaviours that might be holding you and your relationship back. Understanding why you resort to passive aggression (often a fear of rejection, conflict, or losing control) is the first step towards healthier expression. The best way to address this is to be kind to yourself in your self-reflection (this isn't an opportunity to add your internal critical voice to all those you've heard in the past), and work individually with a counsellor who can help you change and hold you accountable for the changes you want to make. 

Moving Forward: What Can You Do?

If you recognise these patterns in your relationship, don't despair. Here are some initial steps:

1. Educate Yourself: Understanding passive aggression is the first step towards disarming it.

2. Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs and expectations, and follow through with consequences when boundaries are crossed.

3. Focus on Your Reactions: While you can't change your partner, you can change how you react to their passive-aggressive behaviours. Don't engage in guessing games or allow yourself to be manipulated.

4. Seek Individual Therapy: If your partner is unwilling to change or if you feel consistently invalidated, individual therapy can provide you with coping mechanisms and strategies to protect your own well-being.

5. Communicate Directly (and Calmly): When passive aggression occurs, try to name the behaviour in a calm, non-accusatory way. For example, "When you say 'I'm fine' but then sigh, it makes me feel like you're upset but don't want to tell me."

This article offers a slightly different therapeutic approach for couples, and this article is for individuals. 

For the Passive-Aggressive Partner (Self-Reflection): If you've identified these traits in yourself, consider seeking therapy to explore the roots of your communication style. Learning to express your needs and feelings directly, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, is a huge step towards more authentic and fulfilling relationships.

For the Partner (Self-Reflection): Dealing with a partner who regularly displays passive-aggressive behaviours is emotionally exhausting. You can reflect on your part in allowing or encouraging this in your relationship.

Recognising the signs of passive-aggressive behaviour is crucial for your own mental health and for deciding if and how you want to navigate the complexities of your relationship. Remember, healthy relationships are built on open, honest, and direct communication – something passive aggression actively undermines.