Intimate relationships are a beautiful dance, but sometimes one partner seems to be dancing to a different, almost inaudible tune. If you've ever felt perpetually frustrated, confused, and vaguely invalidated, you might be dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour. This subtle yet destructive pattern can be a silent saboteur, slowly eroding trust and making it challenging to achieve permanent changes in your relationship dynamic.

But how do you recognise it? And why does it make relationship therapy feel like an uphill battle? Let's dive in.

[Image of the four communication styles: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive]

Seven Signs To Look Out For: Is Your Partner Passive-Aggressive?

Passive aggression is not about outright confrontation; it is about indirect resistance and unexpressed hostility. Here are some common red flags to recognise:

• 1. The Master of Procrastination and "Forgetting": They agree to tasks but never follow through. This is often a way of exerting control and resistance without a direct "no."
• 2. Subtle Sabotage: "Accidentally" ruining something you value or "mistakenly" undermining your efforts as a form of payback or control.
• 3. The Unspoken Resentment (and the Silent Treatment): Agreeing with a smile while their body language (sighs, eye rolls) tells a different story. They deny anything is wrong when confronted, or punish you with withdrawal.
• 4. Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments: Insults wrapped in sugary pleasantries (e.g., "You're so good at that... for someone with your experience") that leave you wondering if you should be offended.
• 5. Victimhood and Blame-Shifting: Portraying themselves as the wronged party to avoid taking responsibility, often blaming you for their own behaviour.
• 6. Chronic Tardiness: Consistently being late for plans that matter to you as a subtle way of asserting dominance or showing a lack of consideration.
• 7. The "Fine" or "Nothing's Wrong" Gambit: Forcing you to guess their feelings while maintaining plausible deniability.

For more depth, explore this clinical guide or this breakdown of major signs.

Why These Behaviours Are Problematic in Relationship Therapy

Passive-aggressive behaviours are often the only "tools" an individual has to solve a relational problem in the moment. However, these tools significantly hinder the therapeutic process:

• The Elusive Target: Because it thrives on ambiguity, a partner can easily deny or minimise the behaviour during a session, making it difficult to address the root cause.
• Lack of Accountability: Effective therapy requires both partners to own their part. A passive-aggressive partner often feels like a victim rather than a participant. See our explainer on Responsibility vs Accountability.
• The "Good Partner" Facade: In the therapy room, they may appear charming and cooperative, leaving the other partner feeling unheard and gaslit.
• Unresolved Fear of Conflict: At its core, this behaviour often stems from a belief that expressing anger directly will lead to abandonment. Until this fear is addressed, genuine change is impossible.

Am I the Passive-Aggressive Partner?

Growth begins with looking inward. Passive aggression is often a deeply ingrained coping mechanism fueled by past trauma. If you find yourself wincing at these signs, you might find the Relate quiz helpful. Ask yourself:

"Do I struggle to say 'no' directly? Do I believe my partner should 'just know' what I need without me saying it? Do I feel a sense of power when I subtly frustrate them?"

If these resonate, it is a sign that you have developed communication patterns that are holding your relationship back. Be kind to yourself; recognising the fear behind the pattern is the first step toward change.

Moving Forward: Strategic Steps

1. Educate Yourself: Understanding the mechanics of indirect hostility disarms its power.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your expectations clearly and follow through with consequences.
3. Communicate Directly: Name the behaviour calmly. "When you say 'I'm fine' but then sigh, it makes me feel like you're upset but don't want to tell me."
4. Seek Individual Therapy: Whether you are the one using these behaviours or the one receiving them, individual support is vital for protecting your well-being.

Recognising the signs of passive-aggressive behaviour is crucial for your mental health. Healthy relationships are built on open, honest, and direct communication—the very things passive aggression seeks to undermine. You deserve a relationship where your tune is heard clearly.