All martial arts have rules of engagement. These rules allow us to fight well together. The better you know the rules, the better you can become as a martial artist. Through extensive practise, these skills become internalised and unconscious. Verbal conflict is very similar.

Verbal conflict is a given in any relationship, but how you handle it makes all the difference, as this video explains. It is not about avoiding disagreements; it is about making them useful and productive. If you are looking to argue more constructively and strengthen your bond, here are five essential starting points for fighting fair.

1. Identify Your "Four Horsemen"

Relationship expert Dr John Gottman’s research highlights four destructive communication patterns that can seriously harm a relationship: criticism (attacking character), contempt (disrespect), defensiveness (playing the victim), and stonewalling (withdrawing).

Before you can change these patterns, you need to recognise them. Identifying them is the first step toward finding their "antidotes"—like complaining without blame instead of criticising, or taking responsibility instead of being defensive. This video explains the Horsemen in more detail.

2. Use "I" Statements, Not "You Always..."

When conflict flares, it is easy to launch into accusations: "You always leave your clothes on the floor!" or "You never listen to me!" This language immediately puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, shift to "I" statements that express your feelings and needs without blame.

For example, try: "I feel frustrated when clothes are left on the floor because it makes the room feel messy to me." This approach focuses on your experience and invites your partner to understand, rather than to defend themselves.

3. Take a Break When Emotions Run High

Arguments escalate rapidly when you are both feeling "flooded" with stress hormones, making rational discussion nearly impossible. If you or your partner starts to feel too angry or anxious, call a time-out.

Agree beforehand that a break is not an escape, but a necessary pause to calm down. Step away for at least 20 minutes, do something to self-soothe, and then agree to revisit the conversation when you are both calmer. You can learn more about how to successfully "park" a conversation in this article.

4. Listen to Understand, Not Just to Respond

In the heat of an argument, we often listen with the goal of formulating our next rebuttal. To fight fair, you need to practise active listening. This means truly hearing what your partner is saying, both verbally and non-verbally, without planning your defence.

Try to paraphrase what you hear them say to confirm understanding ("So, what I'm hearing is that you feel frustrated because..."). Validating their feelings can de-escalate tension and create a space for real dialogue. This article explains how to respond better.

5. Prioritise Repair Attempts

Healthy couples are not those who never fight, but those who are good at repairing after a disagreement. A repair attempt is any effort to de-escalate tension and reconnect. It could be a simple "I'm sorry I raised my voice," a moment of shared humour, or reaching out to hold a hand.

These gestures show your partner that your relationship is more important than "winning" the argument. Being open to both offering and accepting repair attempts is crucial for strengthening your bond. You can improve how you apologise and learn what to avoid.

These are just five starting points—your first belt in the martial art of verbal conflict. By implementing these, you can transform your conflicts from destructive battles into opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.

Which of these fair fighting strategies do you think would be most challenging for you and your partner(s) to implement?