All martial arts have rules of engagement. These rules allow us to fight well together. The better you know the rules, the better you can become as a martial artist. Through extensive practice, these skills become internalised and unconscious. Verbal conflict is very similar. 

Verbal conflict is a given in any relationship, but how you handle it makes all the difference, as this video explains. It's not about avoiding disagreements; it's about making them useful and productive. If you're looking to argue more constructively and strengthen your bond, here are five essential starting points for fighting fair.

1. Identify Your "Four Horsemen"

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman's research highlights four destructive communication patterns that can seriously harm a relationship: criticism (attacking your partner's character), contempt (treating them with disrespect), defensiveness (playing the victim or making excuses), and stonewalling (shutting down or withdrawing).

Before you can change these patterns, you need to recognise them. Take a moment to think: do you or your partner tend to fall into any of these habits when conflict arises? Identifying them is the first step toward finding their "antidotes" – like complaining without blame instead of criticising, or taking responsibility instead of being defensive. This video explains the Horsemen more. 

2. Use "I" Statements, Not "You Always..."

When conflict flares, it's easy to launch into accusations: "You always leave your clothes on the floor!" or "You never listen to me!" This type of language immediately puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, shift to "I" statements that express your feelings and needs without blame. For example, try, "I feel frustrated when clothes are left on the floor because it makes the room feel messy to me," or "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted." This approach focuses on your experience and invites your partner to understand, rather than to defend themselves.

3. Take a Break When Emotions Run High

Have you ever noticed that arguments escalate rapidly when you're both feeling overwhelmed? This is often because you're "flooded" with stress hormones, making rational discussion nearly impossible. If you or your partner starts to feel too angry, anxious, or defensive, call a time-out. Agree beforehand that a break isn't an escape, but a necessary pause to calm down. Step away for at least 20 minutes (or longer if needed), do something to self-soothe, and then agree to revisit the conversation when you're both calmer. You can learn more about how to successfully "park" a conversation in this article. 

4. Listen to Understand, Not Just to Respond

In the heat of an argument, we often listen with the goal of formulating our next rebuttal. To fight fair, you need to practice active listening. This means truly hearing what your partner is saying, both verbally and non-verbally, without interrupting or planning your defence. Try to paraphrase what you hear them say to confirm understanding ("So, what I'm hearing is that you feel frustrated because...").

You don't have to agree with everything they say, but validating their feelings ("I can understand why you feel that way") can de-escalate tension and create a space for real dialogue. This article explains how to respond better. 

5. Prioritise Repair Attempts

Healthy couples aren't those who never fight, but those who are good at repairing after a disagreement. A repair attempt is any effort to de-escalate the tension and reconnect. It could be a simple "I'm sorry I raised my voice," a moment of shared humour, reaching out to hold a hand, or acknowledging your part in the conflict.

These gestures show your partner that your relationship is more important than "winning" the argument. Being open to both offering and accepting repair attempts is crucial for moving through conflict and strengthening your bond. You can improve how you apologise and learn what to avoid. 

These are just five starting points - your first belt in the martial art of verbal conflict. But even by implementing these, you can transform your conflicts from destructive battles into opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.

Which of these fair fighting strategies do you think would be most challenging for you and your partner(s) to implement?