7 Steps To Healthy Non-Monogamy

“The point for me is to create relationships based on deeper and more real notions of trust. So that love becomes defined not by sexual exclusivity, but by actual respect, concern, commitment to act with kind intentions, accountability for our actions, and a desire for mutual growth.”

— Dean Spade

Step 1: Why Do You Want To?

More and more people want to have less monogamous relationships. This can range from "monogamish" to open and all sorts of delightful non-monogamous and polyamorous relationship styles in between.

This article is primarily aimed at monogamous people to help them move towards non-monogamous relationships. It’s one pathway of many to work out and practise non-monogamy, whether you are single or partnered. Please take the time to think about all of the questions and I recommend you write down or make audio notes of your answers. This way, you can discuss them with your partner(s).

This is a general "starter guide" and obviously cannot specifically address your unique situation (that’s what therapeutic work is for). It draws on the works of polyamorous therapists including Jessica Fern and Niki D, as well as my professional practice and personal experience.

Questions:

1. What is motivating or inspiring you to try non-monogamy?

2. What are you currently not getting in your relationship(s) that you hope to once practising non-monogamy?

3. What do you feel you will gain by having different intimate relationships in your life?

Step 2: Imagine

Often we start this process with a heavy "monogamy hangover". We know what we don’t want but don’t yet know what we do want.

Step 2 is not about action; it’s about better understanding yourself. It’s about daydreaming and feeling into what’s possible and enjoyable for you.

Do you want to come home to two or more partners? Do you want to have sex with more than one of them at a time? Do you want to listen to your partner talk about their hot date?

If you keep imagining, you’ll find yourself wondering: how would your colleagues, friends, and family respond? Who do you want to introduce your partners to?

Give yourself permission to let go and imagine your unique "best possible poly life". You may want to write this down so you can share it with partners or potential partners. Also, notice the areas of your imagined relationships you are avoiding thinking about.

Questions:

1. In an ideal world, if you had it all your way, what would your relationships look and feel like once you're non-monogamous?

2. How do you imagine your wider life changing once you have multiple relationships? (e.g. work, family life)

3. What areas of your life would you like to remain the same and not be impacted by a change in relationship structure?

Step 3: Explore

[Image illustrating the concept of Overlapping Circles of intimacy and communication in non-monogamy]

Now you have a sense of what you want, the next step is to talk about it with your current partner(s).

If you’re already partnered, this step is all about being really curious about what each person wants. Be as clear and authentic as you can when communicating your imaginings. Be honest about what you truly want rather than what you feel your partner(s) can handle.

Learn as much as you can about the imaginings of your partner(s), including how they want the relationship to feel, what they want it to look and be like, and what’s most important for them. Ask for clarification, check you really understand them, and do not assume you know what they want. If you find this stage really difficult as a couple, I suggest you get professional help from a counsellor as good communication is key to healthy non-monogamous relationships.

For many people, especially those of us who are neurodivergent, it can be really difficult to put our imaginings into words. So be generous with your time and attention and allow yourselves to spend as long as you need on this stage.

Be mindful that the exploring step is not an opportunity to impose your will or coerce your partner into changing the relationship in ways that you would like. As with all stages, positive ongoing consent is key.

Questions:

1. Ask your partner something along the lines of, "How do you feel about non-monogamy in general?" and be ready to listen and learn.

2. Ask if they want to hear about your ideas and if they do, share your answers to Steps 1 & 2. If they don't, respect their conversational consent and find another time.

3. Are you able to listen to your partner without imposing your desires and wishes? If not, why not?

Step 4: Negotiate, In Theory

Let's assume you have managed to talk about the possibility of trying some form of non-monogamy together. You’ve clarified your different or shared ideas and now you need to start considering the practicalities. This is usually called "contracting" and therapists such as Tristan Taormino are great to follow for tips and advice.

It’s often worth writing this down—not as a binding document, but to have something to revisit, as it can be difficult to remember how you felt in the past when you’re in the throes of new relationships.

Questions:

1. Can each of you use "veto power" (e.g. can you forbid your partner from dating or having sex with a specific person)?

2. What are each of your (or your shared) hard boundaries (e.g. contraception or house rules)?

3. What are each of your (or your shared) soft boundaries (e.g. how much you share about metamours)?

Step 5: Dip Your Toe

Finally, you get to put all of your hard work into practise!

This is the trial and error stage to gather data points, much like a scientific experiment. Try new things, such as using apps like Feeld, kink websites like Fetlife, or joining polyamorous events locally or online.

If you are in a monogamous relationship, make sure you have thoroughly talked through steps 1-4. If I asked you to tell me your partner's answer to all of the questions and you can't tell me, then you haven't talked through things enough. Please revisit the steps and slow down.

Be prepared for each of you to have different levels of success and enthusiasm, which can be very disruptive. Make sure that you’re putting enough attention into your existing relationship to weather the discomfort. You will change, your relationship will change, and so will your partner.

Questions:

1. How does each of you want to dip their toe in? (e.g. going to a sex club, fetish night, or setting up an online profile)

2. Will you do this together or separately?

3. How will you keep each other in the loop?

Step 6: Evaluate

At the beginning, it's worth having regular, maybe even daily, check-ins. Frequent, quick check-ins are important in keeping a relationship healthy and "hygienic".

You’re going to feel differently about what you agreed to in principle now you’ve been doing it in practise. This is a great time to talk about envy, jealousy, excitement, and compersion.

If done well, this stage should strengthen your relationships and increase intimacy. If you find your evaluations turn into arguments, try slowing down the conversations, listening more, and validating each other’s emotions more. This is also a great time to read "The Many Faces of Polyamory".

Questions:

1. What is something your partner has done really well in this process and why does it matter?

2. What is something you personally are struggling with in the changing relationship dynamic?

3. What is something you would like to be different going forward?

Step 7: Rinse & Repeat – Slowly!

Opening up a monogamous relationship is a major shift and requires ongoing consent and plenty of time. You may find yourself revisiting these questions as your feelings change over time.

Fantasy can be very different to reality; see this article about the myths of polyamory. There is no shame in getting as much help as you can. You deserve to be supported as you navigate this big and exciting life change!

Questions:

1. Which questions did you skip or skim over and why?

2. Which of your answers now need updating and why?

3. What would you like to praise and appreciate in your partner regarding how they are participating in this process?