Understanding and Cultivating Compersion in Your Relationship

Jealousy is something that tends to get a bad wrap, and most people are very quick to say they are not jealous. In my work, I find it more helpful to give someone time and space to feel into what is okay or not to them, rather than labelling those feelings negatively.

In a society deeply rooted in the concept of exclusive romantic love, the idea of genuinely feeling happy when your partner is intimate or emotionally connected with someone else might seem impossible. This powerful, positive emotion is called compersion, and it is often described as the opposite of jealousy.

For monogamous couples, it is a useful, positive concept to talk about, rather than assuming they both have the same boundaries around what "being faithful" entails. For couples opening up their relationship or considering consensual non-monogamy (CNM), compersion is a cornerstone of sustainable, emotionally rich connections.

What Exactly Is Compersion?

Compersion is the experience of taking joy in your partner's joy, even when that joy is sourced outside your shared relationship. This website and our introductory article explain it further.

Imagine the genuine happiness you feel when a close friend lands their dream job. Compersion is that same feeling applied to your romantic partner's external connections. It is a shift from a scarcity mindset (love is finite) to an abundance mindset (happiness can be shared). If this sounds complex, this podcast and this article offer deeper "nerd-outs" on the subject.

The Compersion Scale: A Tool for Self-Awareness

While there are validated measures like the COMPERSe Scale, you can start the conversation without a formal tool. A compersion scale provides a shared language to track emotional responses.

A compersion scale helps you:

• Acknowledge Mixed Emotions: It normalises the fact that you can feel compersion and a twinge of jealousy simultaneously.
• Identify Triggers: It pinpoints scenarios that generate positive feelings versus those that cause distress, allowing for proactive boundary setting.
• Track Progress: It provides a metric for growth as you navigate changing relationship boundaries.

How to Create Your Own Simple Compersion Scale

This is an exercise best done individually first, then discussed as a couple.

1. Step 1: Define Your Scale (1-10). 1 represents a negative experience (panic, resentment); 10 represents pure joy (compersion); 5 represents neutrality or mixed feelings.
2. Step 2: Define Scenarios. Identify specific scenarios (e.g., your partner going on a first date, an overnight stay, or sharing an emotional breakthrough with someone else).
3. Step 3: Reflect and Share. When you score a scenario low, look at the feelings underneath. Is it fear of abandonment or insecurity? Share your scales with your partner to gain insight, not to demand a specific score.

The Immense Benefits of Cultivating Compersion

1. Reduces Pressure: It alleviates the unrealistic pressure on one partner to meet all of another's emotional and physical needs.
2. Builds Trust: Seeing your partner genuinely happy for your fulfilment elsewhere fosters a deep sense of security.
3. Encourages Better Communication: Identifying compersion requires open, vulnerable dialogue about positive feelings.
4. Increases Overall Joy: You get to experience the pure joy of your partner's experience as well as your own satisfaction as a supportive partner.

Compersion is not a destination, but an ongoing practise that fluctuates over time. It takes patience and compassion, especially when jealousy rears its head. By using a Compersion Scale, you transform potential conflict into an opportunity for greater intimacy.

If this is something you would like professional help with, please get in touch.