Understanding and Cultivating Compersion in Your Relationship

Jealousy is something that tends to get a bad wrap, and most people are very quick to say they're not jealous. In my work, I find it more helpful to give someone time and space to feel into what is ok or not to them, rather than labelling those feelings negatively.

In a society deeply rooted in the concept of exclusive romantic love, the idea of genuinely feeling happy when your partner is intimate or emotionally connected with someone else might seem impossible. This powerful, positive emotion is called compersion, and it's often described as the opposite of jealousy.

For monogamous couples, it's a useful, positive concept to talk about, rather than assuming they both have the same boundaries around what "not cheating" or "being faithful" entails. For couples opening up their relationship, exploring polyamory, or considering any form of ethical/consensual non-monogamy (E/CNM), compersion is more than just a lovely concept—it's a cornerstone of sustainable, emotionally rich connections. A practical tool that can help couples understand, track, and cultivate this feeling is the Compersion Scale.

What Exactly Is Compersion?

Compersion is the experience of taking joy in your partner's joy, even when that joy is sourced outside your shared relationship. This website and this article explain it more.

Imagine the genuine happiness you feel when a close friend lands their dream job or when your child finds a passion they love. Compersion is that same feeling, applied to your romantic partner's external intimate or emotional connections.

It's a shift from a scarcity mindset (love and attention are finite resources) to an abundance mindset (love and happiness can multiply and be shared). If this sounds impossible, this podcast and this article might help.

The Compersion Scale: A Tool for Self-Awareness

While there are scientifically validated measures (like the Classifying Our Metamour/Partner Emotional Response Scale, or COMPERSe), you don't need a formal psychological tool to start the conversation. The goal of a scale in this context is to provide a shared language and a way to objectively track your emotional responses.

A compersion scale helps you:

1. Acknowledge Mixed Emotions: It normalises the fact that you can feel compersion and a twinge of jealousy or sadness simultaneously.

2. Identify Triggers: It helps pinpoint the specific scenarios that generate positive feelings and the ones that cause distress, allowing for proactive boundary setting and deeper self-reflection.

3. Track Progress: It provides a metric for growth as you navigate changing the boundaries of your relationship, validating your emotional work.

How to Create Your Own Simple Compersion Scale

This is an exercise best done individually first, then discussed as a couple.

Step 1: Define Your Scale (1-5 or 1-10)
Use a simple numerical scale where:

• 1: Represents a completely negative experience (e.g., intense jealousy, panic, resentment).

• 5 or 10: Represents pure, unadulterated joy (compersion).

• The Middle: Represents neutrality or mixed feelings (e.g., "I am okay with this, but I feel a little insecure").

Step 2: Define Emotional Scenarios (The Prompts)
Identify scenarios related to non-monogamy. The key is to be specific about the type of connection (romantic, sexual, new, established) and the knowledge level you have.

Step 3: Reflect and Share

• Individual Reflection: When you score a scenario low (closer to 1), what feelings are underneath the jealousy? Is it fear of abandonment, feeling left out, or insecurity about your own worth? Use this as a compass for self-work.

• Couple Communication: Share your scales. The goal is not to demand a specific score from your partner, but to gain insight. For example, if one partner scores a "3" when the other is on an overnight date, it opens a discussion: "What could we do to make that a '5'? Could we establish a specific check-in time or plan a special connection day right after?"

The Immense Benefits of Cultivating Compersion

Developing compersion offers profound benefits, especially for couples embracing or considering non-monogamy:

1. Reduces Pressure on the Primary Relationship: Compersion alleviates the immense, often unrealistic pressure on one partner to meet all of another's needs. When you are happy for their fulfilment elsewhere, it frees both of you.

2. Builds Deeper Trust and Security: When your partner sees you genuinely happy for them—even for something that involves another person—it fosters a deep sense of security and trust. They know their happiness is safe with you.

3. Encourages Better Communication: The process of identifying and expressing compersion requires open, vulnerable communication about positive feelings, which strengthens your overall emotional intimacy.

4. Increases Overall Joy: Compersion allows you to "double the happiness." You get to experience the pure joy of your partner's experience as well as the satisfaction of knowing you are a supportive, loving person.

As you can see, compersion is not a destination, but an ongoing practice (and can be very nuanced) that can fluctuate and develop over time. It takes patience and compassion for yourself, especially when jealousy rears its head. By creating and using a Compersion Scale, you give yourself a powerful tool to navigate the emotional landscape of non-monogamy, transforming potential conflict into an opportunity for greater intimacy and mutual joy. If this is something you'd like help with, get in touch.