One of the most common unspoken fears I hear in the therapy room is the dread of revealing a sexual fantasy or kink to a partner. This can even be true among people who already identify as kinky. The shame, the self-disgust, the worry of being misunderstood or even rejected – these emotions can feel overwhelming. But what if I told you that sharing your erotic inner world could actually be a beautiful, intimacy-building journey, whether or not you ever 'do' the thing you're fantasising about?

I really feel it's time to reframe the narrative around kinks. They're not aberrations; they're expressions of our unique sexual selves, as diverse and varied as our personalities. 

So, if you're holding onto a secret desire, wondering how to open up, here are some tips to help you navigate that conversation in a positive, empowering way that may bring you closer than ever before. 

1. Self-Compassion First: Ditch the Shame

Before you even think about talking to your partner, talk to yourself. Acknowledge that feeling shame or self-disgust is a common human response, thanks to societal conditioning that often labels anything outside "vanilla" as bad or dirty. However, you are not bad or dirty for having sexual desires.

Your desires are a part of you, not the entirety of you. Practise self-compassion. Remind yourself that sexual exploration and curiosity are healthy. Understanding and accepting your own desires is the first step towards sharing them positively.

Remember that sexual diversity is actually really normal. Kinks and fetishes come in all shapes and sizes. This podcast offers a great introduction to just how varied they can be.

2. Choose Your Moment Wisely

Timing and setting are crucial. This is an important conversation so try and set yourself up for success. This isn't a conversation to have:

• During an argument: Emotional tension is not conducive to open, vulnerable sharing.

• Just before or during sex: While it might seem logical, springing a big reveal in the heat of the moment can put immense pressure on your partner to respond immediately.

• When you're both tired or stressed: You both need to be present, relaxed, and able to listen fully.

Instead, pick a time when you're both calm, well-rested, and feeling connected. Perhaps during a quiet evening at home, over a relaxed coffee, or during a walk, anywhere you feel safe and unpressured. You can learn more about how to do this in this article. 

3. Start Gently: 'I' Statements and Curiosity

Try not to launch straight into the specifics, and resist the urge to monologue. Like sharing any part of yourself with your partner, this needs to be a consensual conversation. Try beginning with curiosity and "I" statements, and pause to check in with your partner, in order to create a safe space for dialogue. You might want to say something like:

• "I've been thinking a lot about our sex life lately, and I'd love for us to explore new things together."

• "I feel really close to you, and there's something I've been wanting to share about my desires."

• "Sometimes, my mind goes to interesting places when it comes to intimacy, and I'm curious if you ever feel that way too."

• "I've been exploring a bit about different sexual preferences, and I'm wondering if there's anything you've ever been curious about trying, or any fantasies you've had?"

This gentle approach opens the door without creating immediate pressure. This is also the kind of conversation a kink-affirming sex and relationship therapist can help you with.

4. Frame it as Exploration, Not a Demand

Make it clear that you're sharing because you want to feel closer to your partner, that you're hoping for a deeper connection, potential mutual exploration, and maybe even some sexy, giggly fun! It's not an ultimatum (unless it is, and that's a different conversation).

• "This is something I've been curious about, and I wanted to share it with you, with no pressure at all to act on it."

• "I’m sharing this because I trust you and feel safe with you, and I’m just putting it out there for us to talk about."

• "My main desire is to deepen our intimacy, and I think talking about our fantasies, even if we never do them, could be a wonderful way to do that."

Remember, the goal is to open a dialogue, not to get immediate consent for an activity or start making plans to do anything.

5. Be Prepared for Any Reaction (And Don't Make It About You!)

Your partner's initial reaction might not be what you expect. Take a deep breath and be open to hearing how they truly feel. They might be:

• Intrigued and excited: Fantastic! Explore this together.

• Surprised or confused: Give them space to process. "Take your time with this. We don't have to talk about it all right now."

• Uncomfortable or hesitant: This is okay too. Their comfort is paramount. "I understand if this isn't for you, or if you need time to think. What's important is that we can talk openly."

• Uninterested: If they're genuinely not interested, respect that. "I appreciate you listening. What matters most is that we have an open dialogue."

Crucially, after you share, listen actively to their response. Ask open-ended questions: "What are your initial thoughts?" or "How does that make you feel?" Validate their feelings, whatever they may be. Remember, someone’s first response may differ greatly from their second or third. Give them time to reflect and revisit the conversation. 

6. The Power of Fantasy: Connection Without Action

This is where the magic truly happens. Even if your partner is not interested in acting out your particular fantasy or kink, the very act of sharing it is incredibly intimate.

• It builds trust: You've shown a vulnerable, private part of yourself.

• It deepens understanding: Your partner gains insight into your inner world, your desires, and what excites you.

• It sparks new conversations: This initial sharing often opens the floodgates for them to share their own curiosities, or for you both to discover entirely new avenues of pleasure you hadn't considered.

You might find that simply talking about the fantasy, reading erotic fiction, or watching relevant content together becomes its own form of shared intimacy and turns up the heat, without ever needing to physically engage. The discussion itself can be a powerful aphrodisiac, bringing you closer and making your sex life richer. Many couples find this truly delicious foreplay.

Sharing your kinks absolutely is not about demanding your partner change or conform to your desires. Rather, it's about authentic self-expression and inviting your partner into a deeper, more vulnerable, and potentially more thrilling connection. By approaching the conversation with self-compassion, careful timing, and a focus on open dialogue, you'll be well on your way to a more intimate and exciting sexual relationship, no matter where your fantasies lead. And if you'd like help with this, I'm here for you.