One of the most common unspoken fears I hear in the therapy room is the dread of revealing a sexual fantasy or kink to a partner. This can even be true among people who already identify as kinky. The shame, the self-disgust, the worry of being misunderstood or even rejected — these emotions can feel overwhelming. But what if I told you that sharing your erotic inner world could actually be a beautiful, intimacy-building journey?

I really feel it's time to reframe the narrative around kinks. They are not aberrations; they are expressions of our unique sexual selves, as diverse and varied as our personalities. If you are holding onto a secret desire, here are some tips to help you navigate that conversation in an empowering way.

1. Self-Compassion First: Ditch the Shame

Before you even think about talking to your partner, talk to yourself. Acknowledge that feeling shame is a common response to societal conditioning that labels anything outside "vanilla" as bad. However, you are not flawed for having sexual desires.

Your desires are a part of you, not the entirety of you. Practise self-compassion. Remind yourself that sexual exploration is healthy. Understanding and accepting your own desires is the first step towards sharing them positively. Kinks and fetishes come in all shapes and sizes; this podcast offers a great introduction to just how varied they can be.

2. Choose Your Moment Wisely

Timing and setting are crucial. This is an important conversation, so set yourself up for success. This is not a conversation to have:

• During an argument: Emotional tension prevents open sharing.
• Just before or during sex: This puts immense pressure on your partner to respond immediately.
• When tired or stressed: You both need to be present and able to listen fully.

Instead, pick a time when you are both calm and feeling connected—perhaps over a relaxed coffee or a walk. You can find more advice in this guide.

3. Start Gently: 'I' Statements and Curiosity

Try not to launch straight into the specifics. Like sharing any part of yourself, this needs to be a consensual conversation. Use "I" statements to create a safe space for dialogue:

• "I've been thinking a lot about our sex life lately, and I'd love for us to explore new things together."
• "I feel really close to you, and there's something I've been wanting to share about my desires."
• "I'm curious if you've ever had fantasies you've been hesitant to share?"

This approach opens the door without creating immediate pressure. A kink-affirming therapist can also help you navigate this.

4. Frame it as Exploration, Not a Demand

Make it clear that you are sharing because you want to feel closer, not because you are issuing an ultimatum. It is about potential mutual exploration and "sexy, giggly fun!"

• "This is something I've been curious about, with no pressure at all to act on it."
• "I’m sharing this because I trust you, and I’m just putting it out there for us to talk about."

5. Be Prepared for Any Reaction

Your partner's initial reaction might be surprise, confusion, or even hesitation. Take a deep breath and listen actively to their response. Validate their feelings: "I understand if this isn't for you, or if you need time to think." Remember, a person's first response may differ greatly from their second or third after they've had time to reflect.

6. The Power of Fantasy: Connection Without Action

Even if your partner is not interested in acting out your fantasy, the act of sharing it is incredibly intimate. It builds trust, deepens understanding, and often sparks new conversations about what excites you both.

Many couples find that simply talking about the fantasy, or watching relevant content together, becomes its own form of shared intimacy and a powerful aphrodisiac.

Sharing your kinks is about authentic self-expression and inviting your partner into a deeper, more vulnerable connection. By approaching the conversation with self-compassion and a focus on open dialogue, you'll be well on your way to a more intimate sexual relationship. And if you'd like help with this, I'm here for you.