In the therapy world, Attachment Theory is often treated as the Holy Grail of relationship health. We are told that our early bond with our caregivers creates an internal working model for how we love as adults. If we were soothed and seen, we are ‘Secure’. If not, we might be ‘Avoidant’, ‘Anxious’, or ‘Disorganised’. 

I call bullshit on this model for those of us who are neurodivergent, and especially for those from the Global Majority. As a sex & relationship therapist, I believe it's time to challenge the epistemic injustice inherent in these traditional attachment models. For too long, the ‘gold standard’ of healthy intimacy has been based on a very narrow, Eurocentric, and neurotypical blueprint.

The Problem with Traditional Attachment Theory

Old school attachment research, such as Ainsworth's famous ‘Strange Situation Procedure’, was extraordinarily groundbreaking in the work it delivered, but it was built by observing neurotypical children. When children displayed typical autistic behaviours, such as avoiding eye contact or seeking sensory regulation rather than physical touch, they were labelled as Insecure-Avoidant or Disorganised attachment styles.

However, these aren't necessarily signs of a poorly functioning or broken bond with the primary caregiver or parent. They are often simply reflections of a different neurological operating system. If a child regulates through repetitive movement (such as stimming) or intense focus on an object (joint attention) rather than a hug, is that really ‘insecure’, or is it just a different form of - neurodivergent - security?

Epistemic Injustice in the Therapy Room

When we apply these rigid Western labels to neurodivergent people, especially those from diverse cultural backgrounds, we do them a huge disservice and risk committing what Santos called ‘epistemicide’. This means, we effectively kill off the person’s own way of knowing themselves, by forcing them into a diagnostic box that wasn't built for them. For example, forcing all children to write with their right hand, regardless of what comes naturally to them, and treating left-handedness as wrong and problematic.

Consider the experience of late-diagnosed autistic women, particularly those from the Global Majority. As research has evidenced, systemic biases often mean these individuals are diagnosed much later in life (even later than white female peers, who were diagnosed later than their male peers). They spend decades being told their sensory needs are ‘overly dramatic’ or their social differences are ‘deficits’.

By the time they make it to my therapy practice, they are bruised and disheartened from a lifetime of carrying a heavy minority stress load. Do they really need a therapist to diagnose them as ‘Avoidant’ because they need solitary downtime to process sensory overload, or love living alone with a million houseplants? I would argue that the (well-meaning?) therapist is reinforcing a system of active ignorance.

Redefining Intimacy: The Double Empathy Problem

In relationships, communication breakdowns are rarely the fault of one person. Damian Milton’s ‘Double Empathy Problem’ suggests that the gap in understanding between a neurotypical partner and a neurodivergent partner is a two-way street.

We see this clearly in research regarding empathy. While stereotypes suggest autistic people lack empathy, Mackenzie et al. found that affective empathy (the ability to feel what another feels) is often incredibly high in the autistic community. The struggle is often one of ‘translation’, i.e. how that feeling is expressed and interpreted across different neurotypes.

A New Framework for Neuro-Affirming Attachment

Let me be clear, I'm a long way from being able to offer you a better, more neuroaffirming model of attachment (but it is making me stroke my metaphorical beard...). At Intimata, we believe in moving toward a model of cultural humility. This means moving away from the therapist as the only expert in the room. My view is that my clients are the experts on themselves and their lives. I'm not there to fix their 'deficits’, but rather to share my expertise to help them reach the level of self-awareness, love, or relational intelligence that they're aiming for. (But what if I could work this out and it would actually help people better understand themselves and how they relate to others?)

For single or partnered neurodivergent adults, a secure attachment might not look like constant physical proximity or typical ‘social scripts’. It might look like:

• Parallel Play: Being in the same room, doing different things, and feeling deeply connected.

• Infostems (a portmanteau of information and stimming): Sharing intense interests as a way of saying “I love you.”

• Pebbling: Sending memes, facts, and other digital small objects as gifts.

• Sensory Sovereignty: Respecting each other’s need for low-stimulus environments without taking it personally.

• Body Doubling: Quietly working or doing chores alongside one another to provide a grounding anchor that helps with focus and emotional regulation.

What Next?

I am passionate about supporting everyone to have truly thriving intimate relationships. But in order to do so, for neurodivergent folks, we must stop pathologising neurodivergent attachment. We must recognise that for many of us, the 'problem' isn't with our attachment style, it's with a world that hasn't yet learned how to speak our love languages. If this is something you'd like to explore further, it is one of the many sex and relationship topics we discuss in The Glitch-Free Intimacy Guild, our neurodivergent educational community.

By embracing a neuroaffirming lens and pushing back against pathologising theoretical approaches, we strive for cognitive justice and a healthier, happier template for neurodivergent relationships. We deserve to have relational models that understand and validate our experiences, and that help us grow and flourish from the dunghill of shame.

Tiga-Rose Nercessian (she/her), PhD Sex & Relationship Psychotherapist (UKCP, NCPS, COSRT Accredited) | Founder of Intimata | Specialising in Relationship Intelligence & Enhancement and Neurodivergent Intimacy.