7 Compassionate Tips for Couples After a Long Sexual Dry Spell

As a sex and relationship therapist, one of the most common concerns I hear is about a dwindling sex life, especially after a prolonged period without intimacy. Perhaps life got in the way – a new baby, job stress, health issues, or simply falling into a routine that left little room for passion. The silence in the bedroom can feel isolating, and the longer it goes on, the harder it can feel to break.

But here’s the crucial truth: a sexual dry spell does not mean your desire is gone forever, nor does it mean your relationship is doomed. This article explains it well. It's a common, often temporary, phase that many couples navigate. The good news is that with intention, patience, and a little bit of courage, you absolutely can reignite that spark and rediscover intimacy.

It's not about flipping a switch; it's about gently fanning a flame, as Esther Perel explains in this video. Here are 7 compassionate tips to help you and your partner find your way back to sexual connection.

1. Start with Non-Sexual Touch and Affection

The pressure to "perform" or jump straight to intercourse after a long break can be overwhelming and counterproductive. Instead, re-establish physical intimacy through low-pressure, affectionate, non-sexual touch. Be explicit that this is only meant to be non-sexual touch and will go no further. This helps rebuild comfort and closeness without the weight of expectation.

Try it: Hold hands more often, offer spontaneous hugs, cuddle on the couch while watching TV, give each other gentle massages of non-intimate (shoulders, feet, hands). The goal here is just to feel connected through touch, reminding your bodies and minds of the pleasure and safety in physical closeness.

2. Open the Dialogue, Gently and Without Blame

It’s impossible to reignite desire if you can’t talk about it. However, the conversation needs to be approached with tenderness, not accusation. Avoid "You never initiate" or "We haven't had sex in months!" statements, which only lead to defensiveness.

Try it: Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires. "I've been missing our physical closeness lately, and I'd love to find a way to reconnect," or "I feel a bit disconnected sexually, and I'm wondering how we can explore that together." Pick a calm, neutral time when neither of you is stressed or tired.

3. Prioritise Individual Wellbeing

Sexual desire isn't just about your partner; it's deeply connected to your individual physical and emotional state. Stress, fatigue, poor diet, lack of exercise, or unresolved personal issues can all act as "brakes" on desire.

Try it: Ask yourself: What helps me feel vibrant and alive? Make time for activities that replenish your energy and bring you joy, whether it's exercise, a hobby, spending time with friends, or practising mindfulness. When you feel good in your own skin, you bring that positive energy into your relationship.

4. Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really!)

 The idea of scheduling sex might seem unromantic, but for couples trying to break a long dry spell, it can be a game-changer. It removes the pressure of spontaneity and ensures that intimacy gets a dedicated space in your busy lives. My Play Together, Stay Together course covers this and seven other fun, helpful conversations about sex. 

Try it: Agree on a specific "intimacy window" – perhaps a couple of evenings a week. Frame it as "connection time" rather than "sex time." The goal isn't necessarily intercourse, but dedicated time to focus on each other, which might involve talking, cuddling, sensual touch, or exploring what feels good in the moment. This intentionality often opens the door for desire to emerge organically within that time.

5. Redefine "Sex" and Explore Sensory Pleasure

 If your definition of sex is solely penetrative intercourse, it can create a lot of pressure and limit possibilities. Broaden your horizons! Intimacy can be incredibly diverse, focusing on shared pleasure, connection, and exploration.

Try it: Building on spontaneous, non-sexual touch, try taking turns gently touching and exploring each other's bodies (initially not the genitals, then moving to more intimate areas) with the sole purpose of noticing sensations, without any expectation of arousal or orgasm. It helps rebuild comfort with touch and discover new avenues of pleasure. Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are often discuss variations of this activity. 

6. Introduce Novelty and Playfulness

Routine can be a killer of desire. If you always do the same things in the same way, the spark can fade. Introducing new experiences, even small ones, can re-energise your connection.

Try it: Read an erotic book or listen to an erotic podcast together. Watch an arousing movie - sexy doesn't have to mean porn. Try a new position or a new location in the house. Explore a new form of foreplay. Even simply changing up your regular "date night" routine can bring a sense of adventure that spills over into your intimacy.

7. Cultivate Desire Outside the Bedroom

Desire isn't just about what happens in bed; it's about how you feel about each other day-to-day. When you feel appreciated, desired, and connected in your daily lives, that emotional intimacy often translates into physical desire.

Try it: Pay each other genuine compliments. Do small acts of service or kindness. Engage in shared activities and hobbies that bring you joy as a couple. Prioritise quality time together, even if it's just a 15-minute chat over coffee in the morning. Build an "erotic blueprint" by noticing what sparks your interest and sharing it with your partner.

When to Consider Professional Support

If you've tried these tips and are still struggling, or if you find you can't actually try any of these even though you want to, or if there are underlying issues like unresolved conflict, mismatched libidos, past trauma, or medical conditions are playing a significant role, consider seeking support from a qualified sex and relationship therapist. That's what we're for. We can provide a safe space to explore these challenges, offer tailored strategies, and help you navigate your way back to a fulfilling intimate life. 

If you’re wondering whether therapy is right for you, our articles Do I Need Sex Therapy? and How To Choose The Best Sex Therapist For You offer supportive guidance to explore your options with confidence.

Remember, reigniting desire is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourselves, be compassionate with each other, and celebrate every small step toward greater connection.