7 Compassionate Tips for Couples After a Long Sexual Dry Spell

As a sex and relationship therapist, one of the most common concerns I hear is about a dwindling sex life, especially after a prolonged period without intimacy. Perhaps life got in the way — a new baby, job stress, health issues, or simply falling into a routine that left little room for passion. The silence in the bedroom can feel isolating, and the longer it goes on, the harder it can feel to break.

But here is the crucial truth: a sexual dry spell does not mean your desire is gone forever, nor does it mean your relationship is doomed. This article explains it well. It is a common, often temporary, phase. The good news is that with intention, patience, and courage, you absolutely can rediscover intimacy.

It is not about flipping a switch; it is about gently fanning a flame, as Esther Perel explains in this video. Here are seven compassionate tips to help you and your partner find your way back to sexual connection.

1. Start with Non-Sexual Touch and Affection

The pressure to "perform" after a long break can be overwhelming. Instead, re-establish physical intimacy through low-pressure, affectionate, non-sexual touch. Be explicit that this touch is meant to be non-sexual and will go no further. This helps rebuild comfort and safety without the weight of expectation.

Try it: Hold hands more often, offer spontaneous hugs, or cuddle on the couch while watching TV. Give each other gentle massages on non-intimate areas (shoulders, feet, hands). The goal is to remind your nervous system of the safety in physical closeness.

2. Open the Dialogue, Gently and Without Blame

It is impossible to reignite desire if you cannot talk about it. However, the conversation needs to be approached with tenderness, not accusation. Avoid "You never initiate" statements, which lead to immediate defensiveness.

Try it: Use "I" statements to express your feelings. "I've been missing our physical closeness lately, and I'd love to find a way to reconnect," or "I feel a bit disconnected sexually, and I'm wondering how we can explore that together." Choose a calm, neutral time when neither of you is stressed or tired.

3. Prioritise Individual Well-being

Sexual desire is deeply connected to your individual physical and emotional state. Stress, fatigue, and unresolved personal issues can act as "brakes" on your desire.

Try it: Ask yourself: What helps me feel vibrant and alive? Make time for activities that replenish your energy, whether it is exercise, a hobby, or practising mindfulness. When you feel good in your own skin, you bring that positive energy into your relationship.

4. Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really!)

Scheduling sex might seem unromantic, but for couples breaking a dry spell, it is a game-changer. It removes the pressure of spontaneity and ensures that intimacy gets a dedicated space. My Play Together, Stay Together course covers this in detail.

Try it: Agree on a specific "intimacy window"—perhaps two evenings a week. Frame it as "connection time" rather than "sex time." The goal is dedicated time to focus on each other, which might involve talking, sensual touch, or simply being present.

5. Redefine "Sex" and Explore Sensory Pleasure

If your definition of sex is solely penetrative intercourse, it creates significant pressure. Broaden your horizons! Intimacy can be incredibly diverse, focusing on shared pleasure and curiosity.

Try it: Try taking turns gently touching and exploring each other's bodies (initially avoiding the genitals) with the sole purpose of noticing sensations. This builds comfort with touch without any expectation of arousal or orgasm, as discussed in Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

6. Introduce Novelty and Playfulness

Routine can be a killer of desire. If you always do the same things in the same way, the spark can fade. Introducing new experiences, even small ones, can re-energise your connection.

Try it: Read an erotic book together, listen to an erotic podcast, or try a new location in the house. Even changing up your regular "date night" routine can bring a sense of adventure that spills over into your physical intimacy.

7. Cultivate Desire Outside the Bedroom

Desire is about how you feel about each other day-to-day. When you feel appreciated and connected in your daily lives, that emotional intimacy often translates into physical desire.

Try it: Pay each other genuine compliments. Do small acts of kindness. Prioritise quality time together, even if it is just a 15-minute chat over coffee. Build an "erotic blueprint" by noticing what sparks your interest and sharing it with your partner.

When to Consider Professional Support

If you have tried these tips and are still struggling, or if underlying issues like past trauma or medical conditions are playing a role, consider seeking support from a qualified sex and relationship therapist. We provide a safe space to explore these challenges and offer tailored strategies to help you navigate your way back to a fulfilling intimate life.

If you are wondering whether therapy is right for you, our articles Do I Need Sex Therapy? and How To Choose The Best Sex Therapist For You offer supportive guidance to explore your options.

Remember, reigniting desire is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourselves, be compassionate with each other, and celebrate every small step toward greater connection.